Mangirling is a semi-regular feature that runs when the girls are too busy (lazy) to write their own posts, or when Johnny Rico feels the need to yell at the internet about something inconsequential. Read on for this week’s rant…
The new season of Game of Thrones starts tomorrow – Sunday, April 24, 2016 on HBO. Hooray! As a service to our fantastic readers I have graciously offered to do a very shallow, yet belligerent, memory dive on season 5. Before that, I need to take care of a few procedural items. Firstly, my season 5 review will contain spoilers. So if you’re furiously binge watching season 5 (come on, it’s only 10 episodes, hurry it up) maybe consider not clicking through. Aside from that, this post was not researched in any way, shape or form. Everything in the The Slacker’s Recap to Game of Thrones Season 5 is strictly from my notoriously wonky memory so take it with a grain of salt. Got it? Good. Let’s go!
The lasting and most important image from Season 5 was Jon Snow being killed. Spoiler alert. Since then I’ve spent a fair amount of time reminding the My Fangirl Life team that he’s dead (and that One Direction is on “hiatus”), but sadly Jon Snow will likely come back to life either as a zombie walker or because of some mystic bullshit that the Red Lady pulls off while figuring out a way to be both sexy and boring. Remember, this is a dude that fell in love with the awful <whatshername that always said you know nothing, Jon Snow> 45 seconds after meeting her, capturing but not killing her, being tricked and beaten up by her, and eventually getting captured by her setting off a chain of events that saw him forced to kill his boss, take control over the Night’s Watch, and make a stupid decision which eventually caused his assassination. Good work Jon Snow, you actually do know nothing.
Speaking of the Red Woman, she was last seen totally ditching out on her boyfriend / god and immediately setting a 9 nine year old girl on fire. This was prior to (the actual true King – let’s not forget that) Stannis Baratheon getting curb stomped by the new wardens of the north who are total dicks, but oddly no one seems to mind that they are in charge and the pious Starks aren’t around anymore. The Red Woman is totally going to bring Jon Snow back to life and it’s going to anger me. Wait for it, it’ll be the climatic finale to episode 3. It really bothers me, and this is my main beef with Star Wars, when there’s an event of massive importance that’s solved by magic or mysticism or The Force. It’s the on-screen version of a writer ending a story arch by saying “…it was all a dream”. Screw that. You can’t reset a storyline because you screw up writing it. It’s lazy storytelling. Jon Snow should be dead. Never mind the fact that the dudes that killed him had a valid reason to do so and now they are TOTALLY screwed because there isn’t a Red Woman walking north chomping at the bit to resurrect their corpses. This method of problem-solving absolutely minimizes the sacrifices of the common man. Imagine World War I, millions of people die, but the conflict is ultimately solved by King George and Kaiser Wilhelm having a “force-off” in the smoking ruins of Verdun. What the hell would be the point of the millions and millions of soldiers dying in the mud be? Sorry you died, soldier, but the author of this planet was lazy and decided at the last minute that your death doesn’t matter. For shame, George RR, for shame.
But I digress…
Speaking of the Starks, remember when they mattered to the story? Spoiler alert: they don’t matter at all right now. Let’s do a brief rundown of the Starks I remember existing. Papa Stark: actually dead. Mama Stark: actually dead. Oldest brother Stark: totes dead. Older brother Stark’s wife: also dead. Bastard Stark: dead, but not really. Bastard Stark’s chick: dead. Boy stark: crippled, hallucinating, and living with a random under a tree north of the wall. I think… I don’t think we saw them last season. Other Boy Stark: crippled, chilling with a Wildling, and hanging off the back of Hodor. Hodor. Hodor. Hodor. Stark servant (Hodor): Hodor Hodor Hodor. This poor bastard has the misfortune of not only being handicapped, but having to slep around the gimp for the rest of his unnatural life. If he could rub two thoughts together he’d throw himself off the nearest stone bridge and just be done with the whole thing. Hodor. Eldest Daughter Stark: married to some jerkface usurper. Hey, remember that shocking rape scene from last season? Despite that, she might be the Stark doing the best out of all of them. Let that thought sink in. Youngest daughter Stark: Self-exiled across the Narrow Sea chilling with a bunch of heads. Good work Starks. Good work.
Northerners can’t politic. This is why Scotland was forced into union with England and WHY THEY’LL NEVER BECOME INDEPENDENT.
Speaking of across the Narrow Sea, how is Dany Stormborn doing? Well she spent season 1 being a total badass and trying to regain the throne which is arguably rightfully hers (I mean rightfully hers AFTER she allowed her brother to be tortured to death by her husband – whatevs) and since then has spent a lot of time wandering across deserts being an ineffective ruler of people that don’t seem to like her. As they said in Red Dawn (you kids should really watch the original) she “is not winning hearts and minds”. Oh, but at least now she has juvenile dragons that have been helpfully caged up for most of their adolescent lives, so I’m sure they’ll be well adjusted and not menacing uncontrollable beasts. Fortunately, as previously ranted about, George RR Martin is a lazy writer and she’ll use magic to control the dragons and the song of fire and ice will be complete when she and the zombie Jon Snow get married and peace falls across the lands. Somehow this will be facilitated by a eunuch and a midget and another guy who is probably important, but I can’t remember what his name is because that storyline dragged on forever. Oh and a tween girl, that Stark will come back into all of this.
Speaking of the Lannisters, they’re involved in some sort of useless subplot with the Dornish. They may be broke and on the brink of war. Who knows? Jaime is still missing a hand and his niece was just murdered. His sister is still pretending to be Queen (until she was paraded naked through the streets), her son is still dead, and her other son is King, but no one cares about that. He’s just keeping the throne warm until magic happens.
And that’s Game of Thrones season 5 in a nutshell.
Enjoy season 6 everyone!
Image Sources: Featured Image