Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor In Paradise (or whatever the newest spin-off happens to be) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
If The Bachelor and Survivor had a baby it would look a little like this episode. There was drama & heartbreak (like Mommy Bachelor) and plenty of islands & people being kicked off them (like Daddy Survivor). Plus enough interpersonal drama to keep both parents happy… but before we get into that let’s look at this episode’s Top 5 highs & lows:
1. ?ﾟﾑﾙ? Hot Dogs. Bikinis. And Wild Pigs. I am sure this is exactly the dream date every girl had in mind when she signed up for The Bachelor.
2. ?ﾟﾘﾇ? I love when this show doesn’t even try to hide how horribly the Producers are controlling what is going on. Are we supposed to believe that Vanilla Bachelor Ben would (a) want to do a 2-on-1 at all? and (b) take two completely different girls like Olivia & Emily on it? The Producers know how these two feel about each other (way more than Ben does… like waaaaay more) and wanted to pit them against each other. Plus it was a perfect recreation of the most successful 2-on-1 ever: Kelsey (crazy like Olivia) and Ashley I (such an Emily).
3. ?ﾟﾤﾔ? “I’m different. I like to read…and think….” -Olivia … Olivia is different you guys. She likes to think.
4. ?ﾟﾤﾔ? “Deep intellectual things are my jam.” -Olivia … How eloquently put. …
5. ?ﾟﾏﾼ?ﾟﾏﾝ Nothing makes me happier than when the Bachelor leaves a woman “stranded” somewhere after breaking up with her. Remember how Chris left Kelsey & Ashley I in the middle of the desert after dumping both of them on their 2-on-1 date? Classic. And now Olivia will be left on that island until eternity. She’ll be fine though; eventually a wild pig will swim over and his aggressive nuzzling will be a sure sign that he’s into her. After fashioning a veil out of fishing net that washed up on shore they will be married in a private ceremony on the beach.
Here’s where we sit at the end of Week 6 with Bachelor Ben:
I think the phrase “I didn’t come here to make friends” has been uttered in every reality show ever. Yes Nameless Contestant, we know that you are here to win… but why can’t you also make friends along the way? I’m not naive; I realize backstabbing & manipulating are part of the game. These aspects don’t easily lend themselves to making friends, but I do them when playing board games and my friends still talk to me (even Justine who usually gets manipulated the most). In a reality show I think you should be open to making friends along the way. And this has never been more true than during The Bachelor.
I get that all these other bitches are also dating your boyfriend. It’s awkward and weird. But you’re also sequestered in a house together for months (potentially… if he likes you) and you will go crazy on your own. So make friends! Here are my top 5 reasons it is worth it (even if you are someone who hates everyone … like me!):
1. To Pass the Time
You have been put in a beautiful mansion in the Californian countryside, or a gorgeous suite in an exotic locale, which seems like a dream. And yet you are barely allowed to go outside. Like a toddler, you can’t even cross the street without a chaperone and your excursions are limited to playdates arranged by the Producers. To make matters worse you have no phone, no internet, and no tv. You need friends or else you’re going to end up drawing faces on spoons to have someone to talk to . Which brings us to #2…
2. For Your Sanity
You will go crazy with nothing to do and no one to talk to! Make friends with the actual real-live people instead of inanimate objects. Plus your shared experience will make you feel better about how thoroughly “Stockholm Syndrome” the situation I described in #1 is.
3. To Prevent Backstabbing
Olivia is the prime example of how not making friends blows up in your face. She has been playing this like a game; something she needs to aggressively work at winning. And with no friends to have her back, all Ben hears are bitchy comments. If no one will speak nice of you then you will go home.
4. To Lure the Ladies into Thinking You Won’t Backstab them
I’m going to call this one the Leah approach, although she executed it poorly. Leah fit in with the other ladies so when she started talking trash about Lauren B this week no one could be certain it was her. Leah’s timing was brutal so it was pretty obviously her, but were she stealthier she totally could have gotten away with it. Being loved by all means your opinions are trusted, by both the other women & the Bachelor, so you can get that chick you don’t like sent packing.
5. Don’t you think your man will want to know that you can make friends?
Did Olivia really think her inability to connect with the other women would be a pro to Ben? She tried to play it off like she was too intelligent to relate to the masses, yet wasn’t she the one who made a Teen Mom comment? Is there any lower form of television than Teen Mom (except maybe The Bachelor)? If you think about the situation critically you will come to realize that the group of women you are competing against might be a lot like you…. in fact, the same man is attracted to each and every one of you. So try to get to know them. Plus the Bachelor should recognize that you are getting along with your peers and know that you will probably be able to assimilate into other groups, like with his friends or his family.
And all of that is coming from someone who tries her best not to have to make new friends. Ugh. People.
Until next episode…
Love & Luck,
Kris
My Fangirl Life’s Official Bachelor Contestant Ranking:
Notes: (1) Amanda … ?ﾟﾒﾤ?. (2) Olivia might be crazy but that works as an excuse for her actions… there’s no excuse for the downright bitchiness of Leah this week. ? (3) Bye-Bye Jennifer
