Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor In Paradise (or whatever the newest spin-off happens to be) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
I realize OTP stands for ONE True Pairing, but can I please have 3 BIP OTPs? I realize this may seem contradictory to what I discuss later but hear me out right to the end because apparently I do believe in love. I must because during the Rose Ceremony I was all like:
Carly picks Kirk … Ugh, they’re so cute. Just get married already.
Ashley picks Dan … These two! They make me believe even I can find my special someone!
Jade picks Tanner … Perfection! If any of these 3 couples break up I will DIEEEE!!!
Anyway, before we dig into things lets take my top 5 highs & lows for the week:
1. ?ﾟﾘﾕ? Bachelor in Paradise is Lauren’s “personal hell”. Oh really? Free drinks while staying in a private resort on a tropical beach sounds totally awful. Even if you’re not falling in love you could just ride the wave & enjoy the vacay…actually that sounds preferable.
2. ?ﾟﾘﾏ? I love how the majority of this season’s group has basically zero fucks to give about anyone’s drama. Lauren leaves – a whole quartet of contestants barely bat a lash, changing the subject immediately after. Jared blows up the entire house with his one date request – Tanner giggles. Clare gives an over-dramatic, attention seeking speech – Jade literally tells her she’s wrong & no ones cares about her shit. These are my kind of people.
3. ?ﾟﾘﾊ? Tenley was Ariel in Japan!!! Ironic after JJ went on & on about her basically being a Disney Princess.
4. ?ﾟﾘﾛ? “I’ve never seen a Disney movie where the Princess ends up with the blacksmith.” – JJ SO JJ has obviously never seen any of the modern Disney movies, because that’s all that happens these days. Anna picks a simple ice guy (what would Kristoff’s profession be?). Rapunzel went for a common thief. Princes are out. Blacksmiths are in. These days Disney’s leading ladies have their own kingdoms, they don’t need no man to have power.
5. ?ﾟﾘﾄ? Jared declares himself a “villain” dejectedly after breaking all of the hearts when asking Clare on a date and someone pipes up from the back (JJ? Joe?) “Villains Gotta Vil!” Villains gotta vil, indeed.
If I have one issue with Bachelor in Paradise it is when people freak out over the person they gave rose to going on a date with someone else. It’s like everyone is expected to fall madly in love the first week and stick with it forever and ever. This is the problem with this franchise in general: you can’t force love Chris Harrison, no matter how hard you try. The point of this show is (or at least should be) to date around. Go out with this guy. Go for a swim with another. Drinks with a third. And a late night snuggle with the first again. That’s why you have to get a blood test before coming on the show (as confirmed by Mickey & Lauren on this episode…lol). You are looking for your ideal match & they might not be there immediately. (Although I also don’t understand how everyone comes in knowing exactly who they want to be there…but that’s a discussion or another day) Play the field. Switch up who gets your rose. Follow your heart…and all that mushiness.
Although now I’m making it sound like I’m on Team Joe or something, aren’t I? That is definitely not what I mean. I don’t want people to use each other to get to the next round. If that were the case we’d be back on Bachelor Pad, screwing each other over for money. And the poor innocents like Juelia & Tenley, who are just to nice & sweet & desperate for their own good, would be constant pawns in someone else’s larger scheme. “Thanks for kissing me,” -Tenley (Bless her heart.)
All of that being said, I still believe in coupling off if that’s what’s right for you. If you are TOTALLY into someone than try out monogamy. You might be as lucky as Tanner & Jade. How much do you love those two? I can just imagine them having caddy little gossip sessions, intermingled with mouth noises as they suck on each other’s faces, because they’re both kinda bitches…but the best possible kind. Like me! I digress…I just want everyone to settle down when they’re ready, instead of settling for whatever comes around next.
Until next episode…
Love & Luck,