Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor In Paradise (or whatever the newest spin-off happens to be) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
I have to admit that very little in this season of The Bachelorette has made me as happy as this episode. Actually, very rarely in the history of The Bachelor series has anything made me this happy. And not for the reason you think; my heart didn’t skip a beat when Kaitlyn confessed her love for Shawn. I wasn’t all a-twitter when he got down on one knee. No, after a season of the Producers trying to make me think Shawn is a jealous hothead, I found I was less excited about their happy romance than I expected. Instead I smiled a toothy grin when she turned down Nick. Huzzah! Down with the wood-beaded bracelet-wearing, beaver-faced douche!
Although I agreed with Kaitlyn’s ultimate final decision (out of the top 2 at least… #BenForBachelor), I’d handle this whole finale thing very differently… because I would approach the whole season differently. Let’s walk step-by-step through the day:
Meeting the Family
Kaitlyn’s family is very enjoyable, lovely even. They are agreeable and happy… which makes them the worst type of Bachelorette family. They were easily won over by both men, not providing any help to Kaitlyn as she made the big Bachelorette decision of who to spend her life (or the next 6 weeks) with. Her sister declared herself as Team Shawn but her parents gave their permission for proposal to both of Kaitlyn’s suitors.
My family would be much less easy-going. In reality they are super friendly, but I would put in a request for them to be on their “worst” behaviour. To start, I would have EVERYONE there. “Here is my mom. And my dad. Over there is my sister & her husband. Those are my many aunts & uncles. And over here are all of my cousins, who will each take their turn grilling you with as many questions as they would like”. I would pick the best, most-unbreakable actor in the family and ask them to disagree, refuse and generally act in resistance to the men, no matter how much they like them. I would like to see how they’d react, both to that family member and to me afterwards. My parents would also be under strict instructions to only give permission to propose to the one guy they want me to marry… so permissions might have to wait until after both meet-and-greets.
Remember when Kaitlyn’s date with Shawn was super awkward? That was the best. That is exactly what all of my Bachelorette dates would be like. Great television, eh? But seriously, how can you know that you will be getting ENGAGED (which IS a HUGE deal) within the next 48 hours and still go on romantic dates with both of them? Ugh I would suck at this end part. I would either be so obviously one-sided or so obviously hating them both… I think I would be obviously hating on all the contestants the entire season.
Choosing Your Future
How can someone feel good about getting engaged if they still have strong feelings for the other man? I mean, you can still choose one of the men to give it a go in the real world with, but ENGAGED? Is that really necessary?
The Inevitable Break-Up
This is both the best & worst part of the finale. I LOVED seeing Nick’s face fall as he was kicked to the curb, but did he really deserve that level of closure? Here’s my plan: Have Chris Harrison break up with him for you! Why would I dirty my hands with all of that emotional garbage? I’m the Bachelorette, damn it! I’d have the lovely & accommodating Chris Harrison do my dirty work for me. This would make one hell of a reunion at the After the Final Rose special! Or perhaps I’d keep the game going! The runner-up would be escorted out of the building before I came out on stage. No closure for you!
Ugh. I guess I might be into it if I were actually participating in the season. Maybe I would believe in the process, would have developed the ‘right reasons’ and be caught up in the manufactured love affair. But I repeat: Is ENGAGED really necessary? How about we try dating in a normal, average scenario first. We see if we can coexist in real life for awhile. Maybe we’ll hate each other the first time we try to buy groceries together.Who knows… but isn’t it better if our inevitable post-Bachelor break-up is from a dating situation, rather than an engagement?
What do you think? Does this sound like a finale you’d like to see? Perhaps we could start an online campaign: #KrisforBachelorette ?
Until next episode… Bachelor in Paradise starts next week!
Love & Luck,