Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor In Paradise (or whatever the newest spin-off happens to be) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
Dear The Bachelorette, Why must you always do this to me? I try so hard to remain aloof and uncaring. I tell myself that I don’t give a damn what happens to the newest in the long line of gullible fools who actually believe they can find love on television. But somehow you draw me in. Suddenly I’m invested, although admittedly in a sarcastic bitter type way. And then… AND THEN… you dash my hopes and dreams. Dash the little bit of hope and feeling I had nursed & nurtured into fruition. My feelings on this week’s episode are best summed up by this quote from my fellow Bachelor-Night viewer Eileen:
“I just realized why I don’t like Nick. He reminds me of Oliver from the OC. He’s even dressed like him in that stupid cardigan. And now he’s trying to steal Marissa from Shawn… I mean Ryan.”
But before I lament the loss of a season where I actually liked more of the guys than I hated (yes, I realize that is still true… until you count that my hatred of Nick is equivalent to the hatred of 100 men) let’s talk through some of the episode’s highs & lows:
— Can you believe how Clint used EVERY line in the book trying to make Kaitlyn feel guilty about their situation? He’s really pulling out all of stops… it must be love.
+++ That is until the other villain took his turn to vil and JJ totally shut Clint down. Harsh. RIP Jint… ClJ… Brokeback Bachelors.
+++ Guys, did you know Tanner was so witty & opinionated? Because before this episode I didn’t even know he could talk. But last night he gifted us such gems as “I think Clint was more sad to have JJ turn on him than to have Kaitlyn send him home” and “Brokeback mountain became Brokeback volcano.”
+++ On the topic of Tanner… he is such a Bachelor/Bachelorette fanboy. And Shawn (<3), he may also be part of weekly Bachelorette viewing party (How do I join???).
+++ No Rose Ceremony. WOOT! I have expressed before how I hate watching them at the start of episodes. Plus I’m not ready to let go of any of these studs go yet… except JJ of course.
+++ I would make certain my season of The Bachelorette was filmed in winter so the men would have to wear jackets everywhere. I love a man in a jacket.
Here’s where we sit at the end of Week 4:
Now that we have all of that out of the way, let’s get to what is really eating me: Nick V. In case you think any of what I have to say below is a result of Nick showing up late, I am going to start with giving my opinion on all of that. I am going to attempt to do it subjectively and pretend we are talking about someone other than my least favourite member of the Bachelor family (and there is some healthy competition for that spot).
I can see both sides of the argument regarding letting in a latecomer. It is legitimate that the men are unimpressed. They have been vying for her affection for weeks and now another competitor swoops in without having to undergo the tortures of multiple Rose Ceremonies. It’s a piss off. Plus that’s one more guy who is going to take away time you could be spending with your girl. On the other hand, when there are already 14 other men dating your girl, what’s one more? The RC’s that have happened so far have been the ‘easy’ ones. It’s been about weeding out dead weight, not about real feelings. Nick is arriving at an appropriate time based on the connection he & Kaitlyn have obviously already established (although he extent of that is a bit murky… but I’m withholding judgement until the next paragraph). In the end, I think I sympathize with the bachelors but have to side with The Bachelorette. This is about Kaitlyn finding her match and if she thinks that it could be Nick she needs to include him. And as her future husband wouldn’t you want to know she picked you out of ALL of her potential suitors? You’d hate for her to always wonder what could have been.
With that we come to discussions on Nick himself. GO HOME NICK. NO ONE LIKES YOU. Except it appears Kaitlyn does. She seemed so down-to-earth and no-nonsense. And yet she’s all over a guy who “put [Andi] on blast” (in Tanner’s words) on national television for sleeping with him? Something doesn’t add up. If the guys know Nick’s history The Bachelorette must. But she’s already kissing him! I’m with Ashley S (didn’t think I’d ever say that…) it’s a case of lust, not love. All icing. No cupcake. (And that was not a reference to Chris)
I have hated Nick from the first time I saw his face. Don’t believe me? I have the blog post to prove it! Allow me to quote myself:
“Nick V. looks like a beaver. I found his bio boring. Go back to your dam, Nick V.”
That is from Tuesday Walk of Shame: Men’s Bios Bonus, back when I had first started this series for Andi’s season. Want more reasons Nick sucks (other than his oh-so-punchable beaver face)? Here are some:
– He came to the rap show with Ashley I. Are they friends? Worst BFF’s Ever.
– He has no consideration for anyone else and threw the entire week into a logistical & emotional disarray.
– What intern or assistant do you think had to give up their room so Nick had somewhere to stay?
– Did Nick seriously walk all through NYC to get to the guys’ hotel? Doesn’t he know how to hail a cab? Is he the last person in the world to figure out Uber?
– He already has Kaitlyn lying. In “confessional” she says the two of them had many intense conversations. To the men she said they talked only a couple of times, like it was no big deal. Which is it Kaitlyn? WHICH IS IT?
– Did I mention his stupid face?
See you all next week… unless I punch my TV screen because I can’t stand to look at Nick’s face another second. Then I will be too busy either buying a new TV or (more likely) in the hospital getting my broken hand fixed.
Love & Luck,
My Fangirl Life’s Official Bachelorette Contestant Ranking:
Notes: (1) Chris seems like such a nice guy but I can’t get over how much of a weirdo he is. (2) Joshua: “I used to punch hay bales at home and it would really help.” This is why I love you. (3) JJ: “I listen to Broadway showtunes religiously.” … ??? … K? (4) Jared kind of killed it on his date… maybe one of these days I’ll reward him by moving him up a spot or two.