Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
Author’s Note: The regular author of Tuesday Walk of Shame (Code Name: Sprinkles) is currently on a girl detective case or questing to find true love at a Name Brand ™ theme park somewhere in the great state of Florida with her faithful co-questers Scrunchie and Scrubs. Sadly for you this means today’s episode of TWoS will be written by noted hater and serial inventor of words: Johnny Rico. Enjoy! But first check out the other Mangling TWoS post from this week!
In 1997’s cult classic, “Starship Troopers” director Paul Verhoeven weaves a story about the entire might of humanity fighting a war against giant bugs from a different part of the galaxy. The viewer is taken on a triumphant ride following a small group of mechanized infantry troopers in a gore-filled dance with death, destiny, and despair only to find that the humans were the ‘evil’ belligerent in the war. Verhoeven’s cunning use of satire cast a harsh light on society and forced viewers to take a hard look in the mirror and really think about what the person looking back at you believes.
Tuesday Walk of Shame: Season 19 Episode 7 Part 2: This time it’s even episode sevenier!
I have to assume that the Bachelor franchise has devolved into a satirical version of itself. There was a time when the (North) American viewer might believe in a televised romance, but we’re long past the point where “the right reasons” even exist. Right? If you truly wanted to find love, marriage, and children, the first group date would destroy your soul in a way that couldn’t be rationalized. So that, in my mind, can only leave the viewer as a passive participant in the satirical look at people with the wrong reasons pretending to do things for the right reasons for a camera operated by people with the wrong reasons who are also pretending to do things for the right reasons. But how passive are you in this? And more importantly, what are your reasons?
Moving on to an episode recap…
– Oh look. Becca finally gets some screen time this episode. By the way, I’m pretty sure she makes 6 out of 6 if you’re keeping score of who Chris has made out with on these dates.
– Britt makes exactly no sense. I watched her try to explain her feelings regarding yesterday’s blow-up three times and I have NO idea what she’s talking about. Either I’m being manipulated by the producers or she is stupid. This Bachelor election season, Vote: Stupid.
– Fun fact about Iowa’s flag: Although it is older than Canada’s flag, it does not get credited with being the originator of the “Canadian Pale” where the center stripe is twice the width of the other two thus leaving more room for a defacing symbol. The flag was originally designed to have three stripes of equal width.
– Oh look, more Britt drama. Her words make my brain hurt. It’s like watching a deranged narcissist trying to read Shakespeare after it was translated into Hebrew. Also, this show needs name tags (with emotions) every time someone speaks. Think of it as an extreme closed captioning. “Britt (aghast) ‘Everything I ever said, I meant’ <crying>”. Is that too much to ask?
– For the record, Britt really screwed her game up in a big way. You can’t make demands on a men who literally has had 20 women BEGGING to have “alone” time with him. The man has options, and even if you’re fun, he’s got a half dozen willing replacements for you in the next room.
– Official prediction that will never be verified: Chris will bang Britt within a year of the show ending. Britt will need to be validated and he will have nothing better to do once his many acres have been harvested.
– “Chris (sincere) ‘I’m not playing games’ <audience chortling>”. Uh huh, and I’m not writing a snarky blog post whilst not wearing pants.
– In no particular order the following four women (of five) received roses: Whitney, Becca, Kaitlyn(*?) and Jade. Sadly, Carly got assigned to the farm team of women he’ll end up screwing in 5-9 months down the road on his tour of women who have developed emotional eating problems. (Did I have a stroke or did they not show Kaitlyn getting a rose? Either the producer not showing that is a bad sign or me having a stroke is a bad sign.)
– I wonder if Carly and Britt will hang out back at the Loser Hotel and Suites. Like, will they go down to the bar and just get wasted together while working through their problems in a totally passive aggressive way?
Here are our “Hometown” ladies…
First up on the home visit tour of definitely not sleeping with all these women now is Becca from Shreveport, Louisiana. Shreveport is best known as the home city of the Shreveport Pirates, a defunct Canadian Football League team.
– Holy balls, Becca is a virgin?! Was this common knowledge? How much would Vivid pay for the rights to distribute THAT? And Chris doesn’t know?!?! That’s a fantastic monkey wrench to throw into the proceedings right before something called the ‘fantasy suite’. If you were wondering what brought on my diatribe that started this blog post, this was it. That whole segment was completely batshit crazy. The situation was crazy, Becca hiding her virginity is crazy, Becca’s mom is crazy, Becca’s sister is CRAZY, and them going on a post-family date is crazy. There is no possible scenario that Becca gets out of this without getting destroyed emotionally. I hope the show provides for a good amount of long term psychological aftercare.
Next up Whitney and Chicago. Chicago, of course, is best known for their former head football coach, Marc Trestman, who was previously the head coach of the Montreal Allouettes of the Canadian Football League. Is there some reason why they didn’t go from Des Moines/Arlington, Iowa directly to Chicago? It’s literally a day trip.
– “Whitney (ridiculously naive ) ‘I bought this super expensive wine that I one day hoped to share with the man I had a 1 in 4 chance of marrying, or something. I don’t know’”. Immediately after this Chris says he’s happy to know she’s in love with him and ended the statement there. That’s just perfect. Perfect!
Up third is Kaitlyn from beautiful Vancouver, BC. Vancouver is best known for hosting last season’s Grey Cup. Championship game for the Canadian Football League.
– Kaitlyn and Chris start this hometown visit in a recording studio. I can only assume this is the recording studio made famous by Hanna, Alberta’s favoured sons… NICKELBACK! 604 Studios represent. Hey look! Non-threatening white people rapping. Sprinkles would be out of her mind for this.
Batting fourth in the hometown tour of shame is Jade from the greater metropolis area of Gering, Nebraska. Gering was named for World War 1 fighter ace, and noted Canadian Football League fanatic, Herman Goring.
– After teasing it 23 times (I counted) over the 4 hours and 38 minutes of show I’ve watched, Jade finally tells Chris she posed for playboy. “Jade (oddly proud ) ‘I totes posed for Playboy’”. Now I checked out this pictorial, because I am a serious journalist of The Bachelor, and they’re a solid 6 out of 10 on the Hugh Hefner-o-meter. Not surprisingly Chris was a-ok with it. And so am I. Good work, Jade. And good work Chris, transitioning from Playboy pics into soul mate talk. He’s soooooo sincere.
Fun. I get to watch two not-at-all-awkward rose ceremonies. This time there are three roses for four women. Whitney, Kaitlyn, (Chris
Hanson (Correction by Kris: Harrison) appears to say something obvious thus validating his contract) and Becca get roses. Jade gets jaded and goes home having exposed herself to a wider audience that she could have ever imagined. Lols that they walked out holding hands. That is solid prep for the post-engagement screw the losers tour.
They ended the show with a small dog humping and fuzzy chew toy. If that isn’t the most self-aware piece of reality television in history I don’t know what is. Join us next week, when we discuss a small dog humping three fuzzy chew toys, including one virgin. Laughs will be had, hearts will be melted, and things will be torn. Enjoy!