That’s right folks… I’m back with another Tuesday Walk of Shame! “Already?” you ask. “When does the new season of the Bachelor start?”. Well dear reader, Farmer Chris won’t start his quest for love (or more accurately we won’t see it on TV) until January 5th. This means you probably thought it’d be another month before I’d be sharing my opinionated views of the series with all of you…but lucky for you ABC announced the contestants this week and I cannot contain my judgments for one more second! If you’re new around here let me explain Tuesday Walk of Shame:
Tuesday Walk of Shame is a weekly blog series where I take a look at the newest episode of The Bachelor (or the Bachelorette or whatever spin-off is currently airing) and discuss. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for a decidedly different Bachelorette.
Because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly un-romantic nerds deserve love too.
Now on to the new Bachelorettes. This season the Bachelor will have 30 women vying for the heart of a studly single man. In 2015 that stud is Farmer Chris, of Bachelorette Season 10 fame. Andi Dorfman may have tossed him aside but plenty women want to put his down-home country heart back together. Plenty is right! 30 women is a lot to choose from… and a lot to pick apart! So you don’t get bored by an endless list of single ladies, I am going split the list up into 4 posts. It will act not only as a way to get to know all of the contestants before the first cocktail party but also as a countdown to the premiere.
Bring on the parade of bimbos! And perhaps I’ll grade them on how likely it is that they will be a real person worthy of the hunky Chris.
Occupation: Flight Attendant
Hometown: Hamilton, NJ
I like the look of Alissa. She’s super cute. She seems upbeat from her profile and I appreciate that she puts the crazy out there right away by admitting to “in-depth stalking a guy’s Facebook page.” Now lets keep our fingers crossed that she means that in a cute, casual, I-am-not-actually-a-stalker-in-real-life way and doesn’t turn out to be a needy “you are all mine and don’t talk to other girls” type…because talking to (and making out with) multiple girls is what this show is all about!
Occupation: Ballet Teacher
Hometown: Lake in the Hills, IL
I’m torn. She’s not horrible…if she won the lottery she’d “pay off my student loans, and then buy a house while the market is still good. The rest would go into savings.” Very practical. But then she looks a little fake and wants to be Allie from The Notebook because “Noah loves her so much”. Barf. My feelings for her are summed up in one answer: “A guy once wrote me a beautiful letter expressing his feelings for me. I still have it. He was a creep, but a great writer.” Disgustingly romantic but sass & practical at the end.
Hometown: Chicago, IL
Amber seems exceptionally normal. While this endears her to me, it is normally a disadvantage on the show. Guys who want to be the Bachelor tend to be attracted to crazy chicks. I’m hoping Farmer Chris will keep his awe-shucks attitude and pick a normal like Amber…unless her bio has me fooled and she’s actually bat-shit crazy.
Ashley I. (26)
Hometown: Wayne, NJ
Do you think the bio questions are deceiving or did they actually pick a crop of down-to-earth women this time? Ashley I. fears “awkward silence” but understands that it’s “different than silence”. She would spend lottery money on travel & paying back her parents. She likes to cook and sleep in. How very boring if you are looking for a drama queen. I am wondering how she managed to be a cougar at the ripe old age of 26 though….
Ashley S. (24)
Occupation: Hair Stylist
Hometown: Brooklyn, NY
Ugh. She can’t live without lip gloss and would buy Italian shoes with her lottery winnings. Plus look at her; she had Beauty Queen written all over her. Not Chris’ type and not mine.
Occupation: Chiropractic Assistant
Hometown: San Diego, CA
Becca’s a bit weird and awkward… so obviously I love her. She likes “tall, dark and handsome” gas (see the story in her bio) and wants to be a dolphin to use 20% of her brain. Plus she can’t live without Wi-Fi and Netflix…a girl after my own heart!
Occupation: Plus-Size Model
Hometown: Carpinteria, CA
Bo is a chill surfer girl. She loves food and the ocean. I’m just not sure if she’s grounded or flighty. Only time will tell if she is Chris’ ideal mate.
Make sure to check back next Tuesday for the next installment of contestant judging and on January 6th for my thoughts on January 5th’s premiere!
Love & Luck,