Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for a decidedly different Bachelorette. Because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly un-romantic nerds deserve love too.
Paradise is heating up with our first multiple love-triangle (although ‘Love Triangles’ rarely actually exist) week. More than one man courted more than one woman in a move that was scandalous, shocking…and exactly what this show is supposed to be about…? But before I rant about how the contestants don’t seem to understand the premise of the show let’s do the weekly recap of highs & lows:
– I appreciated the invasiveness of starting this episode immediately after the events of last week. We don’t normally see the after the rose ceremony drama but this time the Producers obviously saw it was too juicy to miss. Elise’s explanation to Chris as to why she didn’t immediately give him the rose made about as much sense as her horrible circus speech in the previous episode. “He told me like 3 times he wasn’t going to accept it, so I needed him to confirm that, and then say my piece, and then give it to you. You know what I mean?” Um I’m pretty sure you just confirmed that Chris was your second choice right to his face.
– Danielle showed up. She was pretty sane on her season so I expected little drama…My mistake. I forgot what show I was watching.
– Chris blew out his knee. This dating and drinking and frolicking about the waves is dangerous business.
– AshLee and Graham had their first date and psycho (you know which one of them I’m referring to) basically equated this to them getting married. I enjoyed when Graham said, ”This is our first date. I just wanna not put too much pressure on forever.” Way to say exactly what needed to be said Man…not that it sunk into her dense skull at all.
And I love how the show’s editors chose to play up how AshLee was willing to be all loose and sleep with Graham despite the fact that Graham made sure it didn’t happen. Bachelor Editors: always willing to throw you under the bus. Just ask the poor two-broken-legs-on-tv-employee Mr. Putz.
Also AshLee danced and it was the most awkward we’d all felt watching television..ever.
– Jackie showed up. I could not have been more excited by any other Bachelor contestant. I love Jackie. She’s incredibly stunning, very down to Earth and the newcomer men next week will be all over her like dogs. But based on my love of Marquel I’m obviously pulling for the two of them to make it. PS Marquel was a pimp this week…but a very respectful one who actually understands the point of this show. More on that below…
– I can’t be kind any more and dance around the truth: Elise is dumb. The girl is just not intelligent. Perhaps her innocence, sincerity and willingness to trust would be cute if she wasn’t so stupid. She referred to a guy who is a known player like he was a saint:
“And through the storms comes a rainbow and I want Chris to be my rainbow.” I know you want it but that doesn’t mean it will happen.
“After everything that’s happened I want to reward him for really fighting for me and being that man.” For being what man? The one available to make Dylan jealous? The one who wanted to stay around so used you to do it? The one who wants to go on a date with a hot chick and you will do?
“Sometimes there’s a storm just to get to that rainbow and Chris & I can make a beautiful rainbow together.” By sleeping together on the first date?
“Chris is the perfect Prince Charming.” In opposite world.
“There are lights at the end of the tunnel.” Lights. Not light, lights. She needs multiple because she’s not so bright.
This brings me to my bigger rant: Why is everyone so possessive over each other? Isn’t the point of the show to meet as many people as possible and look for real connections? No one can expect that putting 12 people, split half-and-half by sex, in a room will end with 6 perfect couples. That’s not realistic. Some people might connect with no one there. Some people might connect with multiple people. “Which is what the Producers were hoping for,” you point out helpfully. Yes reader, it is what the show is founded on. It’s the reason there is a constant influx of contestants and a weekly quelling of the rejects. So why have the contestants completely missed this all important fact? In case you, dear reader, are wondering this too I have come up with a Top 5 list of potential reasons why the Bachelors & Bachelorettes have totally misunderstood the base premise of this show:
1. They are in Paradise.
Sometimes I think that rather than staying to see where their budding romance will go, or see if they’ll find someone new to fall for, the Bachelor(ette)s just want to stick around for sticking around’s sake. I can’t blame them. Sun. Sand. Ocean. Pools. Alcohol. Hunks. Who could ask for more? This is the one reason I believe is warranted.
2. They are desperate for screen time.
Again, sometimes I think that rather than staying to see where their budding romance will go, or see if they’ll find someone new to fall for, the Bachelor(ette)s just want to stick around for sticking arounds’ sake. The longer they’re in Paradise they more screen time they get. The more intense their romance gets the more likely they’ll make the editing cut. Except not. In reality the more men/women someone is involved with the more we the viewers see them. Marquel this week is a perfect example. My approach if I was going for screen time would be to get on every date, even the ones with the other women.
3. They are desperate to be loved.
Elise is a textbook example of someone who is so desperate to be loved that she will take anyone who smiles at her. She was ready to tell Dylan she loved him on Day 2. She’s ready to give up on Paradise and run away with Chris on their Day 3. Someone like this does not explore their options; why would they have to when what’s in front of them is a ‘rainbow,’ ‘prince charming,’ ‘the silver lining,’ and ‘Hope.’ Those statements are sickening enough, but when you marry them with Chris’ best compliment of her (“She’s beautiful and she’s got a bangin’ body. She’s hot, overall super hot.”), it’s disgusting.
4. They are damaged from previous rejection.
Michelle told Danielle to “go with her feeling” and that she “couldn’t go wrong with any of them.” And then she was pissed when she picked Marquel. Bitch, you told her to. She even realized that what her and Marquel had was ‘the best choice here’ at best; the sparks were so forced. So why was she so anger about it? She felt rejected…by someone she wasn’t even in to or fully involved with. Being shot down on national television seems to make rejection a sore spot.
5. They have real feelings for each other.
This is the scariest idea of all. I’m not big on love and commitment and feelings and all of that junk. I’m even more down on forced TV romances. But most of all I am completely against people who are shallow & stupid enough to participate in this show reproducing. Especially with each other. We do not need to see the half-witted devil spawn of Elise & Chris. (Luckily they’re fairy tale romance of 3 days wasn’t sustainable and they don’t appear to be together anymore…shocker!)
The ‘claiming’ of men that was apparent this week is leading to the death of many unfulfilled crushes, like Zack & Jackie or Clare & Graham. I say let the men and women run free to frolic with whomever they like. We’re all judging them harshly already; we’ll accept them dating multiple people at once. It’s what the Bachelors all about!
After the dramatic rose ceremony this is where things stand:
– Chris Harrison wore this suit…because he’s going on a fancy safari?
– Marquel chose Jackie because why wouldn’t he? Danielle seems great but Jackie is the best.
– Robert picked Sarah…the lesser of two poor choices.
– Chris left…and Elise left with him. So Dumb.
– Chris made a slightly (slightly) redeeming move and gave Michelle his rose. Because he believes she deserves true love more than anyone else…take that everyone else.
See you next week Bachelor Nation!
Love & Luck,