Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for a decidedly different Bachelorette.
Because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly un-romantic nerds deserve love too.
This is 100% the best opening of any Bachelor episode, and dare I say any tv episode, ever. The guy jumped off a 25ft high balcony to avoid being caught with a contestant. This is the kind of drama you would expect in a scripted series about filming a reality show. Think about the scenario; it almost seems fake. Him falling for Michelle K (who is obviously certifiable) seems far-fetched (or possibly super real in its insanity). Michelle K leaving during the Rose Ceremony because no one there was right for her…Fine…but the cryptic little “Maybe I already have”s were her just asking people to dig deeper. She wanted to be caught.
However I have read that keeping things like this from happening is possibly the #1 obstacle of making a reality show. The drastic intensity of Mr. My-Job-Is-Worth-Everything-To-Me’s injury sways the tall-tale to believable. Ouch. And the fact that he said it wasn’t worth it. Double Ouch.
After that theatrical (and Chris as the Best Host Ever) filled appetizer we got to the meat of the episode, which was plenty melodramatic all on it’s own. Let’s take a look at the highs & lows:
– Hello Chris. Just in case anyone had any shred of respect left for Chris (How?) or any doubt as to Chris’ sole purpose in life (to find sub-D-List fame) he pranced up the beach early this episode to squash it. First of all reader, if you did have either of those things: Seriously, How? After Bachelor Pad? And the Andi thing? Just how? Second, are you also strangely ecstatic to see him here? You know he’ll get to mixing things up!
– Elise is So Chatty. I oddly still like her despite her obvious mental break, even thought I recognize she’s incredibly obnoxious.
– Clare’s ears look huge in her confessionals. I may be fishing for criticism here because I’m embarrassed to admit I actually like Clare on this show. How did that happen???
– Hello Zach. Why is this lameo in paradise? Des’ season was the year of the Bachelorette Pool & the Wall of Bachelors. Despite the extreme investment in the outcome I had zero investment in Zach. No one had an investment in Zach…That’s a lie, one friend liked Zach and we teased him about it endlessly. This is the same guy who liked Robert, who I found so bland I forgot he existed. BIP is a good season for him, but full of zzzz-sters for me.
– “Fat Damon” Always the charmer Chris. Always the charmer.
– Ben’s exit was much more emotional than it should have been considering no one even had feelings for him. “Goodbye Hollywood. I’m done with tv…done.” Says the guy who cam eon the show despite already having ‘love.’ You can’t save face now man. It’s too late.
Which makes me think, I know you need to have one of two distinct traits to be on this show:
1. an irrational belief in love (to the point that finding it is your sole purpose and your self-esteem is tied to the result of that search) and
2. an addiction to quasi-fame (possibly causing you to audition for the show in the first place, but more likely brought on by the weak lime-light cast by being on their original seasons).
I realize I possess neither for these traits. Like at all. I get that people without them are weeded out in the Bachelor/Bachelorette casting process. I guess they are actually only looking for one of them, and to get rid of people looking for the second. They wouldn’t be there for ‘the right reasons’. Then those whose personalities best mesh with this list would be selected to continue their Bachelor-verse journey on shows like Bachelor in Paradise. I wouldn’t make it through either round of cuts, but I’m still going to pretend I’m on the show so I can tell you which of these ladies (who fit the Bachelor cookie-cutter perfectly) mesh with my list of:
Bachelor In Paradise I’m-Not-Your-Girlfriend DOs and DON’Ts
Elise wanted to say “I Love You” Night One.
DON’T be a Stage 5 Clinger.
Clare is dating all the men. You go girl.
DO explore your options.
Sarah makes no move to get anything.
DON’T just wait around expecting things to happen. You need to make them happen…especially in this competitive atmosphere.
Michelle concentrates more energy on spying on other lovers and spotting who’s hooking up in the ocean than finding love.
DO judge others. Hard. That would be the most fun part of visiting Paradise.
AshLee freaked out at a guy for dating someone else when they hadn’t even been on a date yet.
DON’T be a crazy girlfriend…especially when you’re NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND. Even if you are ‘committed’ on this show realize this is not real life and You. Are. Not. His. Girlfriend.
Lacy has executed a hardcore Fade Out on Robert’s ass.
DO dump a guy who is boring. Life’s too short for zzzzz-sters. And DO Fade Out if he’s so boring he seems to fade out of life.
The episode concluded with ‘the most dramatic rose ceremony yet’, which isn’t hard to achieve when it’s the second ever occurrence. First stand-out was Michelle’s headpiece. This almost overpowered Marquel telling her she’s an alcoholic. Marquel is the king, helping people by staging casual interventions which wearing I’m-the-hottest-nerd-ever glasses.
Then Dylan explicitly told Elise he would not accept her rose, but her two brain cells got confused and she offered it any ways. Elise you are just looking pathetic (and kind of unintelligent…to put it very kindly). Seeing her get rejected satisfied some deep, dark, twisty part of me. And the vindication of Dylan getting sent home because of it was icing on the cake. Or perhaps I should be using a circus metaphor considering the music backing Elise’s “cringe-worthy” speech.
Until next week, be happy you’re in the real world. Paradise is exhausting.
Love & Luck,