I’m starting a weekly blog series called the Tuesday Walk of Shame. In it I’m going to take a look at the newest episode of The Bachelorette (or the Bachelor when it is on again) and discuss. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for a decidedly different Bachelorette.
Because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly un-romantic nerds deserve love too.
This is it: the big reveal. And I fear I don’t really care. I mean the conclusion of the Bachelor(ette) doesn’t ever have any particular influence on my life. I don’t know these people. My day will be the same tomorrow no matter who wins. One season my friends & I created a Bachelorette pool and I bet a bottle of wine on my prediction, but that is the biggest stake I’ve ever held in the result (for the record I won that pool). And yet, despite my lack of involvement, I usually get excited for the finale. Not only do I get extra doses of Chris Harrison, we also get a glimpse into the (at least immediate) future of people we’ve invested weeks of our lives into getting to know. But this season I just don’t care. She could pick Josh. She could pick Nick. She could pick a random volunteer from the studio audience. I honestly think Door #3 is her best bet.
And on that apathetic note, let’s get into the episode highs & lows and how I would approach the finale differently:
Meeting Andi’s family was pretty anticlimactic. Both men were thoroughly awkward at the beginning, but that just makes the audience cringe, not enjoy themselves. I was hoping her dad would be more of a hardass, or her sister would make a fuss, or something. This didn’t serve to peak my interest and add to my investment in the episode.
My immediate family would be way too accommodating to produce quality dramatic television. Therefore I’d be forced to haul a few extra guests along. I’d need a broader range of opinions and some more eccentric personalities…if these people also happened to get a trip to an exotic local all-expenses-paid by The Bachelorette that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. Maybe I could make my finalists have dinner with my parents on stage while being judged by a panel of my closest friends. Or perhaps I’d invite all of my friends & cousins to come along & bring dates…who just so happen to be the scorned men I set them up with after I kicked them off. I should produce this show. I’m like a drama-manufacturing machine.
Did anyone else think that the final dates were some of the most boring & least romantic. Yes I realize that they want to have an opportunity to talk as much as possible before the proposal (by this point they’ve barely had enough alone time to learn each others middle name) but all they did was sit & swim.
I’d want the best tv & movies have to offer. Ride a ferris wheel at a carnival like when Ryan & Marissa’s first kiss on The OC. Or trying to cross as many things off my Bucket List as possible in a day like the first date in A Walk to Remember. Much better than going to a lagoon just like the one you went to last season, only this time being there with a slightly less douche suitor.
Do you think it’s a requirement that you must be able to swim to be on The Bachelor(ette)? They’d have very little reason to show men shirtless & women in bikinis if the Bachelor(ette) couldn’t swim.
Everyone was so shocked when she went broke things off with Nick. Why? This is the norm now…you look like a huge asshole if you make the loser propose and then shoot him down on internationally viewed television. And it was obviously that point in the episode. And the structure of the episode was obviously leading to this. And Nick was obviously not someone anyone should want to marry.
I personally would, in an act that would actually be unexpected, send both men home at this point. Then, when I showed up alone for the final Rose Ceremony, Chris Harrison would have no choice but to fill in as my true winner <3
I’d want my finale to be somewhere a bit cooler. No one wants someone that sweaty hugging them, especially at one of the most romantic moments you ever experience.
This leads me to the not so thrilling conclusion. And the winner is:
I hope Andi & Josh are very happy together in Atlanta. Have you heard they’re both from Atlanta? I think they only mentioned it one or two thousand times this episode.
Things really hit their stride during After the Final Rose. I enjoyed this segment much more than the finale itself. While the Andi & Josh part was fine I was personally all about Nick and how utterly pathetic he is. First he let the show film him after he was rejected…? Why would you do that? Was your humiliation not total enough? You need to add in the broadcast of your heartbroken ramblings to your mother? And then let Chris Harrison repeatedly mention that you will not give up trying to contact someone who utterly destroyed you in front of the whole world? Dude this is so low. Soooo low. And to top it all off he made himself look like a desperately vengeful prick by explicitly stating that he & Andi had sex. I mean, we all knew it happened but I thought there was an unwritten rule that you do not confirm or deny what happens in the Fantasy Suite. Nick you had no hope of being the next Bachelor, but now you have no hope of anyone taking you romantically serious in the real world either.
As a special treat to you lovely readers I did a little research for this final post of Andi’s hunkalious love search. I wanted to make our last time extra special…and I think I did. Here is another new low for our fav loser Nick, as he rants about Andi, Josh and the show on his long, lonely plane ride home from reject town.
Wait! I almost forgot my favourite moment of the episode:
Andi: “He did very good.” Chris: “He did very well.”
Just when I though I couldn’t love Chris Harrison any more he grammar polices Andi in the middle of her very own finale. Priceless.
Now I know what you are all wondering: Is this the end? Andi had completed her quest for love, does this mean the Tuesday Walks of Shame will conclude. To that I say: No Way! I’ll see you next week for the series premiere of Bachelor In Paradise…where awful people go to be awful to each other while making awful decisions.
Love & Luck,