Tuesday Walk of Shame

Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor In Paradise (or whatever the newest spin-off happens to be) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.

Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.

This week Bachelor Ben toured the country from Oregon to Texas, California to Ohio, being the perfect house guest. He smiled and made the perfect first impression, which is what Vanilla Ben does best… yet he didn’t win over everyone. It was Drama City last night in every hometown (obviously mostly with JoJo’s family) but Ben handled it like a champ; were I the Bachelorette I can think of at least 5 ways I would have acted differently… but first let’s look at this episode’s Top 5 highs & lows:
1. ?￰ﾟﾏﾻ?￰ﾟﾒﾋ Obviously JoJo’s mom and the on-camera, straight-from-the-bottle, I’d-rather-be-anywhere-but-here, champagne swig… but more on that later…

2. ?￰ﾟﾔﾨ?￰ﾟﾏﾻ Did anyone else feel like building a toy house would not actually be that fun? It was a thoughtful idea but I think there was some acting in the whole “this is such a great time” aspect of the work. If I was Ben I’d much rather be eating out of food trucks with Lauren.

3. ?￰ﾟﾓﾜ? The moment JoJo realized the heartfelt, handwritten letter wasn’t from Ben. That “Oh Shit” face. Side Note: Does she not recognize either Ben or her ex’s handwriting? I know she hasn’t known Ben long, but I’m sure she’s looked at each of her date cards a zillion times. And she was in a serious relationship with this Chad character; perhaps he just never wrote anything down while they were together?

4. ?￰ﾟﾒﾔ☺️ Ben is so good at break-ups. Amanda told him she wished he’d ended things with her at the hometown, rather than waiting for the Rose Ceremony. Ben earnestly validated her concerns, then explained his choices and point of view without being the least bit argumentative. It was textbook perfect… like everything else he does… ?￰ﾟﾒﾤ?

5. ?￰ﾟﾘﾍ? Remember when JoJo’s brother told Ben he had these women “brainwashed.” I loved that. So very much. It’s like he has both never seen the show before (What do you mean he’s dating other women at the same time?) and knows all of the inner workings (Tell me all of the interesting ways the Producers have played with your emotions.) I feel like I would make similar outlandish-yet-true claims if I was a family member on a Hometown Date.

Here’s where we sit at the end of Week 8 with Bachelor Ben:

If there is one thing I am certain about if I was the Bachelorette, it is that I would not be the cool customer that Bachelor Ben is. For Bachelor Ben hometowns are a breeze. He always says and does the right thing, so there is no need for concern. It makes us all very secure in our love for the Vanilla Bachelor (and more & more convinced that he was grown in the Bachelor Lab) but it doesn’t provide for the best television. This is an argument I’ve made against Ben before: He’s too perfect to induce drama. Drama must come from external sources, such as the women or their families. You can always count on this to happen but with Ben we lack escalation.

Usually when I start discussing “If I was the Bachelorette” scenarios it’s in regards to how I would approach the men or the show format; I’m going to give a different example of why I’d be a breath of fresh air for this program today. Today, I’m going to give you 5 clear reasons why the viewers would love me as their Bachelorette… and I’m going to do it by showing 5 moments where Ben did everything right, and thereby did everything wrong:

1. Ben keeps a Mom all the way to Hometowns

Ben would never send a woman home because she already has children from a past relationship. It would be unsightly of him to not want to deal with the drama of custody and catering to a parent you don’t even know. I, on the other hand, would be much more open to sending someone home purely because they are a parent. There is a big difference between being ready to get married and being ready to be a father. I believe Ben is ready for a wife… but he is far from ready for a child. He just broke the heart of a nice single mother while figuring that out. Boooo. I, on the other hand, would win the hearts of America by having earnest conversation with the contestants with children about where I’m at in terms of having kids… where I’m at being “totes not ready.”

2. Ben cries while telling Lauren’s Mom why he Likes Her

Ben! What are you doing? This is such a rookie mistake. You’re playing your hand too soon. As an audience we already know that your connection with Lauren is stronger than with anyone else. Now you’ve cried to her mother about how much you like her? We like there to be at least a little question as to who the front-runner is. Also, displays of emotion are the worst. No one wants to see that or have to deal with you while you’re being like that… Or is that just me?

3. Ben doesn’t resort to Violence with JoJo’s Brothers

Ben didn’t sock one to each of JoJo’s brorthers. He didn’t hit them right in their argumentative mouths. He didn’t even fight back verbally. At this point you’ve obviously already lost the family’s approval (considering they are attacking you & your character) so why not put on a show. Start a brawl. Throw some things. At least get in a stellar shouting match. Make this show worth tuning in to. You can’t let the family members (whose names I’ve already forgotten … Oh! There was a Ben, wasn’t there?) do all of the heavy lifting when it comes to ratings grabbing.

4. Ben avoids grabbing the Champagne Bottle out of JoJo’s Mom’s Hand

When faced with a family like JoJo’s I would be taking her mother’s approach. Where is the closest bottle? Would I like a glass? No! Who needs a glass? Frankly I would have taken this approach with all of the families. Even without accusations of brainwashing, a few sips (or full bottles) would help calm the nerves.

5. Ben Reciprocates Expressions of Love

Ok, so maybe this one didn’t happen this episode – that’s why it’s the Bonus – but we did see the dramatic (shall we say “most dramatic yet”?) teaser for next week’s. Ben tells not one but two women he loves them. Tsk tsk. This is going to get him into trouble. Women will cry. He will cry. Hearts will be broken. Will it affect how the audience sees Perfect Benjamin?

This show is a free pass to not say it back yet he’s spewing it out like verbal diarrhea. If I was the Bachelorette all of the men would know that (a) I’m not allowed to say “I Love You” and (b) they shouldn’t expect me to say it back until at least 2 months after the show has ended, when we’re approaching (although still not even at) a more appropriate time to be making such a serious declaration.

What do you think? #KrisforBachelorette? Or we can still to the good old hashtag campaign of #AshleyIforBachelorette… you can guarantee she’d be at least as big of a mess as I promised to be!

Until next episode…
Love & Luck,
Kris

My Fangirl Life’s Official Bachelor Contestant Ranking:

Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor In Paradise (or whatever the newest spin-off happens to be) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.

Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.

Another dramatic week for Bachelor Ben & his ladies. He took them home, showed (some of) them where he grew up, and gave us all a taste of just how All-American he really is. He also put us through another one of the most awkward Group Dates to ever take place… but before we get into that, let’s look at this episode’s Top 5 highs & lows:
1. ?￢ﾁﾉ️? The women use the term “validation” an unnatural amount this season. It’s new but possibly important. Do we need to add this development in vernacular to the Bachelor lexicon? It will end up somewhere between “Right Reasons” and “Villains Gotta Vill”. And more importantly, do we need to do a Fangirl Glossary: Bachelor Edition?

2. ?￢ﾝﾤ️⚔ Becca doesn’t want to “feel this way” with someone she’s “trying to fall in love with”. Well sweetheart, perhaps that’s why you went home: because you are “trying” to fall in love. Everything about this show is manipulating your feelings to make you love him; you shouldn’t have to try so hard. Your competitors are, in contrast, trying to put up walls to slow down how fast they’re falling.

3. ?￢ﾝﾌ? JoJo is “more Team Ben than I’ve ever been”. Me too JoJo, which is killing me inside. Usually I hate the Bachelor by this point, and that’s how I liked it. Admittedly, I’m more Team Bachelor than I’ve ever been before, which makes me feel horribly ashamed.

4. ?￰ﾟﾑﾸ?￰ﾟﾌﾴ Ben’s mother literally cried at the thought of Emily being her daughter-in-law… and not in a good way. I think this is a first. Two thoughts on that: (1) any girl who wants to marry Ben better stay on Momma Higgins’ good side and (2) how much money would you bet that Emily (& Haley) will be in Paradise this summer?

5. ❓?￰ﾟﾏﾼ❓ We’re far enough into this season of The Bachelor to start the discussion of the next Bachelorette, right? Who will is be? My money is on Lauren B or JoJo… which ever one of them doesn’t end up winning. As long as it isn’t Amanda (too much vanilla!). Although My Fangirl Life is still campaigning for #AshleyIforBachelorette.

Here’s where we sit at the end of Week 7 with Bachelor Ben:

Is it just me or have things become unusually awkward in “Contestant Mansion” lately? I realize that the women have been “freed” from the house arrest and are now into the portion of the show where they travel about, being sequestered in new & exotic locations, but I am using the term “Contestant Mansion” to refer to whatever house/hotel/suite/etc. the women are currently being locked away in. I’ve watched more seasons of The Bachelor & The Bachelorette than I would care to admit and I don’t remember it ever being this tense between the Final 6. Yes, they still chat and act as if they are supportive but there’s not the usual carefree gaiety we have come to expect from the desperate airheads who compete on this show.

Take the conversation we saw between Lauren & Amanda the morning after Amanda’s magical McDonalds-filled date. Lauren asked what the mother-of-two and Bachelor Ben got up to, wanting to hear the romantic details. But you could hear the edge in her voice. She was acting nice but inside was judging Amanda’s connection versus her own… and not in the normal over-analyze-everything-that-happens-because-we-have-literally-nothing-else-to-do sort of way. These are genuinely good people who try not to attack or confront or hurt each other, yet they are too aware of the competitive aspect of this show.

And this has lead to the weirdest Group Dates to have aired in any season I can remember. I don’t mean weird like when Farmer Chris has the ladies in bikinis riding tractors downtown or when the last Bachelorette, Kaitlyn, dressed her suitors up in sumo wrestler diaper thongs. I mean awkward, quiet, just-not-gelling weird. The women are all hyper aware of each other and of Ben. They know exactly who he is with for exactly how long, including when it’s their turn for alone time. It makes comparisons glaringly obvious, and then everyone even more awkward as a result.

Although the Bahamas pig date was pretty bad, this week might take the cake when it comes to uncomfortable viewing. As if the 3-on-1 portion wasn’t bad enough, but the break-off into a 1-on-1 was downright disastrous. First of all, I don’t understand the logic of deciding you are sure you want a girl to stay and then spending your limited decision time with her. You already know you like her and you gave her the rose to ensure you’ll have bonding time the next week. Shouldn’t the Bachelor then spend the rest of the time deciding which of the women he’s unsure about is actually a keeper and which can hit the road? But even if you do hold fast to the standard Bachelor reward system of rose = time, could Ben have been any less sensitive to the feels of the dumpees when leaving with Amanda? It was so very blunt (and so very un-Ben-like). Perhaps he was just feeding off the toxic energy created by the Group Date experience?

What do you think? Is this season different or am I just looking at the past through rose-colored glasses? Let me know in the comments. In my opinion the best group date idea would have been for Ben to just take them all to his favorite dive bar… because who doesn’t love a good dive bar? And who doesn’t loosen up when liquor’s involved?

Until next episode…
Love & Luck,
Kris

My Fangirl Life’s Official Bachelor Contestant Ranking:
Notes: (1) I really like Emily, so much more than I ever imagined I would, but this was her time to go. The poor sweetheart needs another 2-5 years before she’s ready for this, which was drilled right in with the way she was edited this week. ?￰ﾟﾏﾼ (2) I liked Becca last season. She was boring, but good boring… this year she turned into kind of a blank canvas bore… and being a blank canvas is far worse than being Vanilla (a la Ben Higgins). ?￰ﾟﾘﾴ?

Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor In Paradise (or whatever the newest spin-off happens to be) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.

Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.

If The Bachelor and Survivor had a baby it would look a little like this episode. There was drama & heartbreak (like Mommy Bachelor) and plenty of islands & people being kicked off them (like Daddy Survivor). Plus enough interpersonal drama to keep both parents happy… but before we get into that let’s look at this episode’s Top 5 highs & lows:
1. ?￰ﾟﾑﾙ? Hot Dogs. Bikinis. And Wild Pigs. I am sure this is exactly the dream date every girl had in mind when she signed up for The Bachelor.

2. ?￰ﾟﾘﾇ? I love when this show doesn’t even try to hide how horribly the Producers are controlling what is going on. Are we supposed to believe that Vanilla Bachelor Ben would (a) want to do a 2-on-1 at all? and (b) take two completely different girls like Olivia & Emily on it? The Producers know how these two feel about each other (way more than Ben does… like waaaaay more) and wanted to pit them against each other. Plus it was a perfect recreation of the most successful 2-on-1 ever: Kelsey (crazy like Olivia) and Ashley I (such an Emily).

3. ?￰ﾟﾤﾔ? “I’m different. I like to read…and think….” -Olivia … Olivia is different you guys. She likes to think.

4. ?￰ﾟﾤﾔ? “Deep intellectual things are my jam.” -Olivia … How eloquently put. …

5. ?￰ﾟﾏﾼ?￰ﾟﾏﾝ Nothing makes me happier than when the Bachelor leaves a woman “stranded” somewhere after breaking up with her. Remember how Chris left Kelsey & Ashley I in the middle of the desert after dumping both of them on their 2-on-1 date? Classic. And now Olivia will be left on that island until eternity. She’ll be fine though; eventually a wild pig will swim over and his aggressive nuzzling will be a sure sign that he’s into her. After fashioning a veil out of fishing net that washed up on shore they will be married in a private ceremony on the beach.

Here’s where we sit at the end of Week 6 with Bachelor Ben:

I think the phrase “I didn’t come here to make friends” has been uttered in every reality show ever. Yes Nameless Contestant, we know that you are here to win… but why can’t you also make friends along the way? I’m not naive; I realize backstabbing & manipulating are part of the game. These aspects don’t easily lend themselves to making friends, but I do them when playing board games and my friends still talk to me (even Justine who usually gets manipulated the most). In a reality show I think you should be open to making friends along the way. And this has never been more true than during The Bachelor.

I get that all these other bitches are also dating your boyfriend. It’s awkward and weird. But you’re also sequestered in a house together for months (potentially… if he likes you) and you will go crazy on your own. So make friends! Here are my top 5 reasons it is worth it (even if you are someone who hates everyone … like me!):

1. To Pass the Time

You have been put in a beautiful mansion in the Californian countryside, or a gorgeous suite in an exotic locale, which seems like a dream. And yet you are barely allowed to go outside. Like a toddler, you can’t even cross the street without a chaperone and your excursions are limited to playdates arranged by the Producers. To make matters worse you have no phone, no internet, and no tv. You need friends or else you’re going to end up drawing faces on spoons to have someone to talk to . Which brings us to #2…

2. For Your Sanity

You will go crazy with nothing to do and no one to talk to! Make friends with the actual real-live people instead of inanimate objects. Plus your shared experience will make you feel better about how thoroughly “Stockholm Syndrome” the situation I described in #1 is.

3. To Prevent Backstabbing

Olivia is the prime example of how not making friends blows up in your face. She has been playing this like a game; something she needs to aggressively work at winning. And with no friends to have her back, all Ben hears are bitchy comments. If no one will speak nice of you then you will go home.

4. To Lure the Ladies into Thinking You Won’t Backstab them

I’m going to call this one the Leah approach, although she executed it poorly. Leah fit in with the other ladies so when she started talking trash about Lauren B this week no one could be certain it was her. Leah’s timing was brutal so it was pretty obviously her, but were she stealthier she totally could have gotten away with it. Being loved by all means your opinions are trusted, by both the other women & the Bachelor, so you can get that chick you don’t like sent packing.

5. Don’t you think your man will want to know that you can make friends?

Did Olivia really think her inability to connect with the other women would be a pro to Ben? She tried to play it off like she was too intelligent to relate to the masses, yet wasn’t she the one who made a Teen Mom comment? Is there any lower form of television than Teen Mom (except maybe The Bachelor)? If you think about the situation critically you will come to realize that the group of women you are competing against might be a lot like you…. in fact, the same man is attracted to each and every one of you. So try to get to know them. Plus the Bachelor should recognize that you are getting along with your peers and know that you will probably be able to assimilate into other groups, like with his friends or his family.

And all of that is coming from someone who tries her best not to have to make new friends. Ugh. People.

Until next episode…
Love & Luck,
Kris

My Fangirl Life’s Official Bachelor Contestant Ranking:
Notes: (1) Amanda … ?￰ﾟﾒﾤ?. (2) Olivia might be crazy but that works as an excuse for her actions… there’s no excuse for the downright bitchiness of Leah this week. ? (3) Bye-Bye Jennifer

Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor In Paradise (or whatever the newest spin-off happens to be) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.

Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.

Viva Las Vegas! This week in Sin City some of the ladies were winners and others were losers… some parts of the show were a win, while others made me gag. But before we discuss my thoughts on how The Bachelor approached the city of glitz & gambling let’s look at this episode’s Top 5 highs & lows:
1. ?￰ﾟﾑﾨ?￰ﾟﾌﾹ The “Manwich” Commercial! You all saw that too right?!?! All commercials during The Bachelor should be specifically Bachelor themed. Brilliant.

2. ?￰ﾟﾘﾂ? Ben calling Caila “a tigress…a sex panther” was so very awful.

3. ?￰ﾟﾙﾀ? Olivia’s panic attack had nothing on Kelsey’s from last season… just saying…

4. ?￰ﾟﾏﾼ?￰ﾟﾏﾼ? The twin 2-on-1 was not as dramatic as I’d hoped. But of course it wasn’t… plain vanilla Bachelor Ben is just too sweet. Imagine how Juan Pablo would have handled that situation? … Probably have asked for a three-way… again, just saying…

5. ?￢ﾜﾋ?￰ﾟﾘﾡ JoJo was about ready to slap a bitch tonight. I wanted her to ask someone to hold her earrings while she “took care of” the “Olivia problem.”

Here’s where we sit at the end of Week 4 with Bachelor Ben:

Why do they keep saying Las Vegas is a place where people find & fall in love? No one believes that, right? Maybe a place to have repeated one night stands or get drunkenly married only to get it annulled the next morning? I’m not saying I think Vegas was a bad Bachelor destination, because I actually believe it’s brilliant, but they should embrace how it’s fun & full of adventure & experiences… which could easily parallel the Bachelor journey. Don’t try to make it into something it’s not.

In the show’s defence (am I actually saying that?) the “actions” were in line with my thoughts. It was just Ben & Chris’ words that didn’t match. The dates were on point:

The group date was especially so, as seems to be the norm for this season. Yes it was cringe-worthy, but so is EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT THIS SHOW. It was very Vegas. Performing in front of a massive, live audience. Doing silly, crazy, things that are also mortifying. This is 100% a date I would orchestrate if I was the Bachelorette.

The first 1-on-1 was neither here nor there… frankly it was just a snorefest. ? That’s not JoJo or Ben’s fault (it’s a bit Ben’s fault because he’s so very vanilla ?), it’s just that the 1-on-1’s have become pretty predictable. Becca’s 1-on-1 was pretty perfect. It started off a bit mean with the wedding dress/proposal prank… more like my style than Ben’s. But just perfect for balancing out the sickly-sweet wedding-vow filled rest of the date. It was a bit romantic for my version of Vegas, but fit right in with one of the most well-known Vegas “pastimes”.

All-in-all, the Vegas episode was about fun & drama… like any Vegas weekend. So why does Ben think people go to Vegas to fall in love??? What did you think? Let me know in the comments!

Afterthought: I haven’t discussed Bachelor Live in this series yet! That’s because it is painfully awkward most of the time… until last night. I LOVED this week’s edition. Allison Williams & Michelle Collins were the perfect guests! And Chris Harrison is a legit good live host. ❤️❤️❤️

Until next episode…
Love & Luck,
Kris

My Fangirl Life’s Official Bachelor Contestant Ranking:
Notes: (1) Who knew going in to this season that I would end up liking the twins so much. Obviously not me. (2) Did Lauren H not go home last week??? I would have put money on it that she did. (3) Lauren B looks so fabulous at the cocktail party, so much so that I had to comment here. (4) Could Caila be cuter with “The Cookie Game”?