Mangirling is a semi-regular feature that runs when the girls are too busy (lazy) to write their own posts, or when Johnny Rico feels the need to yell at the internet about something inconsequential. Read on for this week’s rant…
Welcome everyone to the most electrifying recap of Game of Thrones in the entire world! Yes, it’s the man-sized recap of Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 1. I’ve search the width and breath of the interwebs and have come to the conclusion that everyone sucks… Except me. I don’t suck and neither do my words. I should point out that my grammar and spelling are awful, but I have an editor and tiny red lines show up under words, so I think I have a pretty good handle on everything. On with the show! Spoilers Ahoy.
Episodes of GoT where Jon Snow is DEAD: 1
North Wall Recap: It’s not a good sign when an episode starts and ends with discussions about you. It means you’re dead or you’re about to die. Fortunately, if you’re already dead it means you’ve lived a long and full life, made a significant contribution to the world of Westeros, and have passed into the hands of the old gods (or new – whatever) with grace and dignity. The rest of the world can move on safe in the knowledge that you’re definitely not coming back to life. Now that we’ve got that straight, I made an earlier prediction that Jon Snow would return to life at the end of episode 3 this season and I stand behind it. Until that happens, I’ll further predict that 15 (of the 40) Night’s Watch members will die. The Onion man will somehow not die, even though he looks confused ALL THE TIME and neither will the Red Woman, who still looks H-A-W-T hot at the tender age of four hundred and seventy two. A whole lot of nothing happened at the Wall this week. Some fists were pounded into tables and mean words were spoken. Also, a Direwolf growled, like, four times. They’re probably setting us up for something.
Just South of the Wall Recap: The Wildlings, who may or may not be wild now, were not shown this episode. They were discussed for a little while and their existence was blamed for some things. So keep on keeping on Wildlings and welcome to the merry old land of Westeros.
Even More South of the Wall Recap: Ramsay Bolton lost a Stark girl and a eunuch. Somehow he only sent four guards and three dogs after them across the frozen wasteland of nothingness despite the fact that, as his father said, they’re the most important things in the world to the Bolton’s continued dominance of the North. Obviously that is a strong enough response. Digression: if you get wet in a Canadian winter, you’ll be hypothermic in half an hour. But I guess nobles from broken families are magic and the weather doesn’t apply to them. Anyways, the four idiots and three dogs found their prey only to lose an (AWFUL) sword fight to Brienne of Tarth. Listen, I know she wants to be a method actor, but she is terrible with the sword. The quick camera cuts are jarring and they still don’t hide how AWFUL she is. AWFUL!!! Anyway, Lady Stark the Living has a friend and a servant now, so that’s cool. They’re still frozen in the middle of nowhere and should die, but they won’t because magic. In other news, Podrick is adorable. I hope he gets reunited with Tyrion.
Southest of the Wall Recap: The most interesting segment of Game of Thrones season 6 episode 1 happened in Dorne of all places. Holy palace coup, Batman! The chick bastard Sand (Ellaria?) killed the gimpy old Prince and talked a lot of shit about him. I like watching the hedonistic Dornish in action. Now that they’ve really amped up the beef with the Lannisters I think we’ll finally get some action regarding who is on the Iron Throne. What’s going on with Margery, by the way?
Somewhere between South of the Wall and Southest of the Wall Recap: Margery is still in religious fundamentalist jail awaiting her naked walk of shame across the city. She is waaaaaay better looking than Cersei Lannister, so I think we can all agree it’ll be a great episode when that happens. Or the hot Dornish rebels will come to town and start cutting religious people. Either way, I’ll be watching. Meanwhile, Cersei found out her daughter was murdered, had a super awkward conversation with her brother (they didn’t bang), and somehow didn’t blame Tyrion for all of this. I feel like she has grown as a person. Good for you Cersei.
Somewhere to the South and East of the Wall Recap: A midget and a bald eunuch went for a stroll and talked about stuff. They lamented the flight of a blonde woman and watched the stone city burn. I have a bad feeling about Meereen. They may not be entering a new golden age like we all thought. It’s almost like being gifted a stray with no management experience for a Queen wasn’t quite the blessing they thought it would be. The Queen, meanwhile, was triggered by some mean Dothrakians who had the unmitigated gall to not know who she was… until she told the Khal, who took her word for it and decided not to “lie” with her. Unfortunately, widowed Khaleesis have a mandatory retirement plan that doesn’t include returning to Westeros to rule. Remember when Daenerys cared about doing that? I don’t. But I’m sure a dragon will save her from the horde and the two creepy dudes that were following her trail. Speaking of who will save her… Arya is blind (I totally forgot about that) and got beaten up to teach her how to see without looking. It’s all part of the plan. Don’t believe me? Just ask George RR Martin, for it is written.
Episode Rating: 6 Hodors out of 10. Hodor.
Image Sources: Featured Image