Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor In Paradise (or whatever the newest spin-off happens to be) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
This week Bachelor Ben toured the country from Oregon to Texas, California to Ohio, being the perfect house guest. He smiled and made the perfect first impression, which is what Vanilla Ben does best… yet he didn’t win over everyone. It was Drama City last night in every hometown (obviously mostly with JoJo’s family) but Ben handled it like a champ; were I the Bachelorette I can think of at least 5 ways I would have acted differently… but first let’s look at this episode’s Top 5 highs & lows:
1. 💁🏻🍾💋 Obviously JoJo’s mom and the on-camera, straight-from-the-bottle, I’d-rather-be-anywhere-but-here, champagne swig… but more on that later…
2. 🏠🔨👷🏻 Did anyone else feel like building a toy house would not actually be that fun? It was a thoughtful idea but I think there was some acting in the whole “this is such a great time” aspect of the work. If I was Ben I’d much rather be eating out of food trucks with Lauren.
3. 🌹📜😢 The moment JoJo realized the heartfelt, handwritten letter wasn’t from Ben. That “Oh Shit” face. Side Note: Does she not recognize either Ben or her ex’s handwriting? I know she hasn’t known Ben long, but I’m sure she’s looked at each of her date cards a zillion times. And she was in a serious relationship with this Chad character; perhaps he just never wrote anything down while they were together?
4. 😀💔☺️ Ben is so good at break-ups. Amanda told him she wished he’d ended things with her at the hometown, rather than waiting for the Rose Ceremony. Ben earnestly validated her concerns, then explained his choices and point of view without being the least bit argumentative. It was textbook perfect… like everything else he does… 💤💤💤
5. 😈😍🤑 Remember when JoJo’s brother told Ben he had these women “brainwashed.” I loved that. So very much. It’s like he has both never seen the show before (What do you mean he’s dating other women at the same time?) and knows all of the inner workings (Tell me all of the interesting ways the Producers have played with your emotions.) I feel like I would make similar outlandish-yet-true claims if I was a family member on a Hometown Date.
Here’s where we sit at the end of Week 8 with Bachelor Ben:
If there is one thing I am certain about if I was the Bachelorette, it is that I would not be the cool customer that Bachelor Ben is. For Bachelor Ben hometowns are a breeze. He always says and does the right thing, so there is no need for concern. It makes us all very secure in our love for the Vanilla Bachelor (and more & more convinced that he was grown in the Bachelor Lab) but it doesn’t provide for the best television. This is an argument I’ve made against Ben before: He’s too perfect to induce drama. Drama must come from external sources, such as the women or their families. You can always count on this to happen but with Ben we lack escalation.
Usually when I start discussing “If I was the Bachelorette” scenarios it’s in regards to how I would approach the men or the show format; I’m going to give a different example of why I’d be a breath of fresh air for this program today. Today, I’m going to give you 5 clear reasons why the viewers would love me as their Bachelorette… and I’m going to do it by showing 5 moments where Ben did everything right, and thereby did everything wrong:
1. Ben keeps a Mom all the way to Hometowns
Ben would never send a woman home because she already has children from a past relationship. It would be unsightly of him to not want to deal with the drama of custody and catering to a parent you don’t even know. I, on the other hand, would be much more open to sending someone home purely because they are a parent. There is a big difference between being ready to get married and being ready to be a father. I believe Ben is ready for a wife… but he is far from ready for a child. He just broke the heart of a nice single mother while figuring that out. Boooo. I, on the other hand, would win the hearts of America by having earnest conversation with the contestants with children about where I’m at in terms of having kids… where I’m at being “totes not ready.”
2. Ben cries while telling Lauren’s Mom why he Likes Her
Ben! What are you doing? This is such a rookie mistake. You’re playing your hand too soon. As an audience we already know that your connection with Lauren is stronger than with anyone else. Now you’ve cried to her mother about how much you like her? We like there to be at least a little question as to who the front-runner is. Also, displays of emotion are the worst. No one wants to see that or have to deal with you while you’re being like that… Or is that just me?
3. Ben doesn’t resort to Violence with JoJo’s Brothers
Ben didn’t sock one to each of JoJo’s brorthers. He didn’t hit them right in their argumentative mouths. He didn’t even fight back verbally. At this point you’ve obviously already lost the family’s approval (considering they are attacking you & your character) so why not put on a show. Start a brawl. Throw some things. At least get in a stellar shouting match. Make this show worth tuning in to. You can’t let the family members (whose names I’ve already forgotten … Oh! There was a Ben, wasn’t there?) do all of the heavy lifting when it comes to ratings grabbing.
4. Ben avoids grabbing the Champagne Bottle out of JoJo’s Mom’s Hand
When faced with a family like JoJo’s I would be taking her mother’s approach. Where is the closest bottle? Would I like a glass? No! Who needs a glass? Frankly I would have taken this approach with all of the families. Even without accusations of brainwashing, a few sips (or full bottles) would help calm the nerves.
5. Ben Reciprocates Expressions of Love
Ok, so maybe this one didn’t happen this episode – that’s why it’s the Bonus – but we did see the dramatic (shall we say “most dramatic yet”?) teaser for next week’s. Ben tells not one but two women he loves them. Tsk tsk. This is going to get him into trouble. Women will cry. He will cry. Hearts will be broken. Will it affect how the audience sees Perfect Benjamin?
This show is a free pass to not say it back yet he’s spewing it out like verbal diarrhea. If I was the Bachelorette all of the men would know that (a) I’m not allowed to say “I Love You” and (b) they shouldn’t expect me to say it back until at least 2 months after the show has ended, when we’re approaching (although still not even at) a more appropriate time to be making such a serious declaration.
What do you think? #KrisforBachelorette? Or we can still to the good old hashtag campaign of #AshleyIforBachelorette… you can guarantee she’d be at least as big of a mess as I promised to be!
Until next episode…
Love & Luck,
My Fangirl Life’s Official Bachelor Contestant Ranking: