Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor In Paradise (or whatever the newest spin-off happens to be) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
Ok, I know that most of the reason we all watch The Bachelor is to see women fight, cry, and generally behave both desperately and badly, but still… wasn’t last night’s Episode 3 of Bachelor Ben particularly catty? There was some serious mean girl action… but before I break out too many “On Wednesdays we wear pink”-style references let’s look at this episode’s Top 5 highs & lows:
1. ?ﾟﾘﾓ? Has anyone else noticed that Ben is rather sweaty? I mean there’s always a sheen to his skin that cannot be described as radiant or dewy… it is just downright sweat. I honestly think his least moist moment was in the hot tub with Lauren B…? Explain that to me…
2. ⚽️?￢ﾚﾽ️ How have none of the women ever played soccer before? Also, I don’t believe them… Emily was killing it in goal for a lady who’d never laced up her cleats before… but maybe that was just the editing.
3. ?ﾟﾘﾢ? Suggestion from Johnny Rico (a reluctant member of this week’s viewing party): The losers of the group date soccer game have to be the waitresses at that evening’s cocktail party for the winners. The catch is that they cannot speak of interact with Ben at all… penalties for breaking this rule will be severe…
4. ?ﾟﾘﾂ? This was another quality quotable episode:
- “I’m in a relationship with Ben and it’s great” -Olivia … Totally Olivia, totally. Just know that I, as a viewer, am basically in as good of a relationship with Ben as you at this point.
- “I’m just so much more complicated than anyone else here.” -Jubilee … aka “Look how much deeper I am than these shallow, brainless bitches.”
- “She’s being awko-taco today” -Jami… Bahahahahaha
- “Um… I like hot dogs.” -Ben re: the only food Jubilee likes … aka “Are you 5? Because 5 year-olds also only eat hot dogs. This is how I’d answer if you were 5.“
- “My lesson from this is to never expect anything from humans.” -Jami… Obviously. Welcome to the club of the well-informed, Jami.
5. ?ﾟﾙﾁ☹ Ben squeezed Olivia’s waist a little bit which obviously meant he can’t give her everything all of the time but she should stick in there because it’s all about her. Sure crazy person. I’m sure that’s it. I’m sure you’re the only one he ever touches. We haven’t seen him make out with anyone else. Or seen him do special gestures for each of the women to make them feel special. That waist-squeeze was it…
Here’s where we sit at the end of Week 3 with Bachelor Ben… Bye Bye Lace:
The Bachelor is not a stranger to mean girls. I realize that. The show attracts two types of women: the desperate for love so-sweet-she-gets-screwed-over-again-and-again woman (think the lovely single mothers and soft spoken beauties), and the go-getter desperate for love I’m-hot-shit mean girl (think the Barbies and bitches). I’m sure you could find an example of people who fall somewhere in between but the vast majority of contestants can easily be rounded to one category or the other. It’s a Bachelor fact.
I get it; these types of women are ratings gold for the Producers. The first category inspires, we sympathize with them and root for them. But with a bunch of ‘sweethearts’ you’d be bored after 10 minutes… which breeds the necessity for the second class of women: them bitches. These are the ones that we love to hate (or occasionally just love for their spirit & charisma). They make you tune in each week (Who will have a freak-out/melt-down this episode???) and are the topics of discussion at the water cooler Tuesday morning (if you work somewhere where there isn’t just a bunch of men who are lame & don’t watch this horribly wonderful show). They are the ones who make The Bachelor worth watching… like last night’s episode, for example…
Olivia is a bitch. I’m calling it now, no matter how much sympathy she tries to pull by crying about her cankles (Seriously Olivia? How self-centered can you be not to realize that this is not the time to bring this up? … Nor is there ever a time to have that discussion because it’s just stupid). She monopolizes Ben’s attention as much as possible, which is smart game-play but not the way to win the popular vote in the house or with the television audience. She purposefully flaunts her time with Ben in front of the others, like the play on the hotel balcony calling to the ladies below waiting patiently for their turn with our Prince Charming. And as much as we hate her for these things, she makes for good tv. They can’t eliminate her or what would we be left with?
I guess we’d still have Amber, who turned into the ultimate mean girl this episode. The way she literally hunted Jubilee down was like a lion stalking a fragile gazelle. Many of the other women (like a lot of them… too many of them… even Becca, who I previously thought was a ‘nice girl’) fell victim to ‘mean girl mob mentality’ and joined in the gossip. It was extremely catty & immature, but “ok” because it was done in “privacy” (even if making fun of someone’s toes is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard… possibly stupider than crying about your cankles). I’m not condoning talking behind people’s backs (I prefer to criticize people publicly on the internet, backed up by facts we all observed on television) but I understand how this would be a natural dynamic in the house. So many women with nothing to think about except how the rest of these chicks are also dating your boyfriend. Amber took it too far with her witch hunt. But then, I’m talking about it! If she left who would make us clear our schedules to watch next week? Can you imagine a show with a bunch of Amandas? She’s adorable but like watching paint dry. Boring!
But then again, we have some unexpected ‘nice girls’ this season! Jubilee is an obvious example. The promos set us up to think she’d have a major bitch melt-down. Instead we saw her be shy & awkward, then self-conscious & nervous, then upset when she was attacked for all of the former. She was dramatic this week but it was the drama of a nice girl with good intentions, not the catty ranting of a mean girl. And then there are the twins… who I will admit I harshly pre-judged. I assumed them to be Bitch Barbie 1 & Bitch Barbie 2. Sure, they aren’t the brightest (or at least haven’t been edited as such) but their hearts are in the right place. Haley’s disgust at the toe conversation mirrored my own, right down to the confused & appalled facial expression. These women make me think that maybe we could have a season with just nice girls… except we all know that without the natural mean girl the least nice nice girl will just be cast as the villain.
Until next episode…
Love & Luck,
My Fangirl Life’s Official Bachelor Contestant Ranking:
Notes: (1) The twins were cute this week; how unexpected. But Emily killing it as goalie and Haley being a woman with a conscience during girl-talk was great. (2) Amber was being an uber mean girl… she’s the oldest one and is acting like a teen girl. Ben was not impressed. I was not impressed. (3) ❤️ Lauren B.