Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor In Paradise (or whatever the newest spin-off happens to be) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
Happy ‘Return of the Bachelor’ Everyone! We wait all year for this glorious day and it has finally come. Bachelor Ben was looking dashing, as expected. I think he’s possibly an enlarged Ken doll brought to life… which is perfect because there’s more than one “Barbie” in his gaggle of ladies (review them in last week’s post). But Ben actually has me concerned. He may ruin this show for me: he’s possibly too perfect. Lovely (KG & Justine *sigh*ed more than once) but in an always-says-and-does-the-right-thing-like-he’s-actually-Prince-Charming vanilla kind of way. I live to mock the Bachelor, who I always inevitably hate, but this season might be different… that’s just my first impression. More on First Impressions later, but first let’s look at this episode’s Top 5 highs & lows:
1. ?ﾟﾑﾒ? Some bold intros: a miniature horse, the bent-over football hike, bread beating (because “gluten is satan”) and the rose hat. Where can I get one of those hats? Let’s start a new trend… let’s get all our Bachelor Family faves to wear one! Tanner! JJ! Clint! Ashley I!
2. ?ﾟﾘﾍ?￢ﾀﾍ?￢ﾀﾍ?￢ﾀﾍ? Picking our favs: KG is totes into Olivia. I love Lauren B. And Justine took one look at Amanda and squealed “Oh I want Ben to be their Dad!” about her little girls. But then again she also looked at the twins and stated “I think I know those twins… except in a situation where there is only one of them” (FYI she does not).
3. ?ﾟﾘﾘ? According to Sean Lowe’s book (KG reviewed it here) the first and last ladies paraded out of the limos are the Producer’s two front-runners. This season: Lauren B & Olivia… they are, unsurprisingly, the “wifey”s (to use UnREAL lingo) for the season. Until one of them becomes the villain…?
4. ?ﾟﾐﾓ? Tiara’s framed photos of her chickens!!! I mean, the one of Ben was obviously a plant but in order to plant the ones of her chickens she would have had to already have those pics sitting around.
5. ?ﾟﾘﾂ? The highlight of watching the Bachelor though is not actually watching the show; it is instead seeing what the rest of Bachelor Nation is tweeting. Here are a few of the best (and yes, that is us interacting with JJ ?):
Here’s where we sit at the end of Week 1 with Bachelor Ben:
So, as Week 1 always is, last night’s episode was all about first impressions.
- What would the ladies think of Ben? Obviously they would think he’s amazing because he is basically perfect… have the Bachelor Producers been growing him in a lab for the last 26 years, bred to be the ideal tv show suitor?
- What would Ben think of his crop of desperate-for-love Bachelorettes? As a whole, he seemed to be impressed. I kind of was too… so many of them seem to have actual careers!? That’s insane for this show… although maybe we finally have a Bachelor who cares more about brains than a banging-beach-body.
- Who would get the coveted First Impression Rose? Who cares?????
Seriously, who f-ing cares about the First Impression Rose? When Chris Harrison presented it last night you would have thought he’d laid out a nuclear weapon on that golden platter. The entire mood of the house changed. In some ways I understand; this is the first sobering moment for the newly arrived (but probably already drunk) contestants. This is the first reminder that they are playing a game and they could be cut, sent home Week 1 with nothing but shame & embarrassment to show for their time on tv. But the way these women blab on about who will get the FIR (“First Impression Rose”…obvi) you’d think it was a symbol of everlasting love meant to tag the winner right from the get go. Have these ladies ever even watched the show?
I thought it was a well known fact that the winner almost never gets the FIR. FIR recipients usually end up being crazies, actually. They make a great first impression because they are outgoing and, often, overconfident in themselves. But in later weeks that starts to show as a weakness, then the lucky FIR lady turns into the house villain. This season the FIR went to Olivia, who right now seems sweet & charismatic. But she also seems a bit fake. In her defense, that could be because she is used to fake smiling on camera for her job, plus there are all sorts of first-night nerves at work, but I’m worried this was a plastic cover meant to hide her inner uber-bitch. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good uber-bitch, but it would just continue to cement my idea that the FIR means nothing.
Well except safety. In that regard, I get it. I would want a rose as soon as possible too. And this one comes at a time when you are just remembering that you, as a contestant, are vulnerable. However, there are still 20 other roses to be passed out shortly after the FIR finds a home so dwelling on not getting it would only doom you further. Remember, if you’re worried about your safety in the game, break out your personal sob story. The Bachelor can never eliminate you if you just confessed something tragic to him!
Basically, the moral of my story is that the First Impression Rose can suck it. I am so over it. I’m ok with Olivia right now, but she has got nothing on Lauren B. Even Ben said “that girl is incredible.” No she didn’t get the FIR but she will still take this. But then again that’s just my first impression… after countless seasons of this ridiculous show. ?
Until next episode…
Love & Luck,
My Fangirl Life’s Official Bachelor Contestant Ranking:
Notes: (1) Seriously, Laura was the best. #BigMistakeBen (2) Does anyone else feel like Amber & Jami are basically interchangeable at this point? Like even more so than the actual twins. These boring bartenders are a bit of a snooze-fest. (3) I had to rank the twins the same this week because they have yet to do anything to distinguish one from the other. (4) Mandi moved up because, despite being weird (and more importantly obsessed with people knowing she’s weird – it’s forced), at least she did something… and spoke English… (5) Did Shushanna ever speak in English? (6) Remember when Lace wanted Ben to constantly make eye-contact with her?!?!