Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor In Paradise (or whatever the newest spin-off happens to be) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
The holiday season is winding down, but don’t worry… the most magical time of the year is still to come: The Premiere of The Bachelor! Ok so I’m being a bit dramatic. But I have missed my weekly viewing parties full of friends, snarky comments, judgmental eye-rolls, and, of course, lots of wine. And this year our television screens will be graced by the -oh-so-handsome-and-wholesome Ben Higgins. We all remember melting over him on Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette and now we get to spend an entire season sighing & awww-ing over his romantic spirit & boy-next-door good looks.
But first we get to meet the women! In preparation for next week’s premiere I have done my regular pre-judging of the
desperate romantic hopefuls… all 28 of them…
Amanda – Maybe I’m going soft, I started off with the first Bachelorette alphabetically and I think I kind of like her… I mean, she’s an esthetician who loves The Notebook and would use lottery winnings to “buy a big house by the beach and adopt babies and dogs” so it’s not like we’d be best friends; we are so very different. But she seems normal & down to earth (plus super cute) in her responses. She’s a mother of two, which is a lot to take on as a boyfriend, but I think Bachelor Ben is looking for a big family soon.
Amber – You may remember Amber from Farmer Chris’ season of The Bachelor and a short stint on the most-recent season of Bachelor in Paradise. Based on our past experience with her my thoughts are: “meh”. I mean she’s not awful but she’s also pretty boring. In her short 3 weeks with Chris she dropped from an A- Rating in Pre-Judging to a B- at exit… not bad but not good.
Becca – Becca! In comparison to Amber, Becca finished Chris’ season with a solid A Rating. She’s a peach. Especially because she didn’t tarnish our positive memories of her by desperately traveling to Paradise. I really want her to find love and can, based not the images that have been created for them by the Bachelor Producers, honestly see her & Ben being a good match.
Breanne – “If you wanted to approach a man you had never met before, how would you go about it? “Smize” – smile with my eyes. Get him to approach me and have open body language.” Barf. Even if you think it, do you have to say it to all of America?
Caila – She is so cute. Look at her laughing in her photo! And her fav tv show? “Game of Thrones! Because I’m a closet nerd that loves the deep plot and sexy tension.”
Emily – A 22 year old from Las Vegas who’s occupation is “Twin”…oh you know this one is totally ready for marriage…
Haley – Yes, we get it. Haley is Emily’s twin…but that doesn’t mean they can’t have real jobs!!?!?!!! Also, do you think they purposely didn’t take anyone with a name alphabetically between the twins just so their bios would be side-by-side? Perhaps that’s why there are so many Laurens…you’ll see…
Isabel “Izzy” – I like her. Simple as that. Nothing to gush about but negative to say either.
Jackie – “Gerontology is the study of the social, psychological, cognitive, and biological aspects of aging.” – via Google… You’re Welcome.
Jami – Jami is basically from my hometown… not quite but really close. Here’s hoping she doesn’t turn out to be crazy.
Jennifer – This: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Hopefully married! Although if you asked me that 5 years ago, I was supposed to be married by now. I guess I am behind schedule. ”
Jessica – Jessica is a romantic, which is to be expected if you actually think this show is going to work, but isn’t too disgusting about it. Sure she likes Robin Hood because he’s a romantic but he’s also badass so she wins back a few points.
Joelle “JoJo” – JoJo is cute. She seems honest and outgoing, although perhaps like she’s trying to be cool. But maybe I’m just reading into things so I don’t have to say I kind of like ANOTHER one of these girls.
Jubilee – Jubilee seems fun. And I don’t say that because her typical Saturday night include “Ménage a trois with my bed, blanket and pillow. Plus Netflix, food and cellphone.” I’d totally hang out with her, listen to country music & discuss all of Ben’s better qualities.
Lace – Does anyone every pick “Cold” on the “Cold or Hot Weather?” question? I guess not because then they are probably not as into being constantly in a bikini by the pool. Lace is just as typical as the “Hot” answer.
Laura – And right after I ranted Laura chooses “Cold”…I guess I should eat my words… I love her for her appreciation of fall clothing. “Think of all the boots!” I also appreciate that she can’t live with out Pinot Noir and her guilty pleasure is whole cheesecakes.
Lauren “LB” – LB hates it when her date “doesn’t pick up the bill“…a bit demanding, don’t you think? Sure, I love when a guy offers to pay but a polite date in this progressive society will also offer… or am I off base here?
Lauren B – “What is the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done? Probably this.” Lauren B gets it. I also found her idea of being the First Lady for one day very intriguing. I agree: “I would love to see the life of the president, but not actually be the president. Way too stressful!”
Lauren H – OMG! Lauren H is like so totally a Valley Girl. She totes thinks she’s hilar. Ugh.
Lauren R – Lauren R seems fine. I’m not sure it’s her that doesn’t “sparkle” for me or if it’s just that I’ve been through too many bios at this point. This is where I tend to get a bit grumpy…
Leah – “Where do you meet guys? I don’t!!! Bars are terrible. The gym is terrible. Online dating… no thanks!” Preach Leah. Preach. She seems cute & perky, although possibly a bit much in person… not that I’ve seen her in person or even on tv yet… I’m just guessing.
Maegan – I don’t usually critique physical appearance but Maegan looks old. Like significantly older than the rest of these women. Her answers also sound like she’s 40… did the Producers check into her claimed age?
Mandi – I had a lot of hope seeing that she’s a 28-year-old dentist from Portland… and then the rest of her bio happened.. “love being in a swimsuit” – “legs for days” – “have a tendency to drink too much” …yeah…
Olivia – She’s a bit cliche. A bit bland. But also weirdly likeable.
Rachel – “What are you most afraid of? Not settling down! I want so much before I’m 30: a place that feels like home, a husband, beginning to have kids, dog, money, etc.” She’s so cute & 23.
Samantha – Meh. Average. I guess I appreciate that she’s a lawyer.
Shushanna – “What do you hope to get out of participating in “The Bachelor”? At some point I stopped believing in love again. I thought something was wrong with me or I’m just so busy that I don’t want anyone in my life. Maybe this get away will help to open my eyes and meet someone special. And even if it doesn’t happen on the show, I believe this show will help me with my hopes and losses.” I grudgingly admit that’s a pretty realistic viewpoint of the show.
Tiara – I can’t look past an occupation of “Chicken Enthusiast”…they didn’t feature her most embarrassing moment but I assume it’s because it’s obviously putting her occupation as “Chicken Enthusiast”.
And there they are…all 28 of them. We’ll have to wait until January 4th to see what they are actually like.
Until next episode…
Love & Luck,
My Fangirl Life’s Official Bachelor Contestant Ranking:
Notes: (1) I reserve the right to pretend I didn’t like any of these people who I claim will be good now but are, in reality, crazy.