Once Upon a Time is back tonight!!!! Huzzah! If you are anything like me you have been halfheartedly schlepping through life during its hiatus, wondering why you are even bothering to be awake. But it is time to rise from your brain-dead slumber & re-engage. Emma is the Dark One. Henry is the Author. And Hook is as handsome as ever! Bring on the OUAT drama. To celebrate I thought I’d take a look at the OUAT hunks and decide which of them are Undateable. Each man will receive a letter grade as a boyfriend and a Feels Rating out of 10 for how your relationship with him would go.
I’ve made the executive decision to only include those who are still alive (RIP Graham ?), aren’t children (Henry is growing up but he’s not that grown up yet) and don’t threaten to turn back into a child at any minute (I’ve been burned by you before August, turning into a child when all the other hunks were dying on me). Those restrictions limit the number of hunky men a surprising amount…
Prince Charming / David Nolan
Charming is one of those “too good to be true” types. He is nice and safe and secure. He will buy you flowers, make you dinner, kiss you every morning before work & every night before bed, and generally treat you right. There is no argument against him… except that when you compare him to literally any other OUAT man he is sleep-inducingly boring. A boring goody-two-shoes who has only has adventures because they were thrust upon him. If stable is your thing, this is your man. If you want some drama & excitement, then keep reading or be sucked into an unfulfilled love where you grow to resent your partner for holding you down in one spot forever. After all, he “will always find you”.
Boyfriend Rating: A (1 point deducted for being boring)
Relationship Rating: 6 out of 10 Feels ?ﾟﾘﾍ☺️?ﾟﾘﾴ☺️⚪️⚪️⚪️⚪️
Knave of Hearts / Will Scarlett
If you watched Once Upon a Time in Wonderland you were treated to a taste of how devoted Will Scarlett can be. He wanted no one but his true love. He’d do anything for her, including forgiving a lot of bullshit. Inevitably you’d start acting out, pushing him to see his limits; the great thing about Will is that he would push right back. There’d be an ebb-and-flow to your relationship that with time would settle into a natural give & take. Basically what I’m saying is that I think Mr. Scarlett would make a dashing boyfriend, willing to take you on adventures and work through your issues… but then again, he’s mysteriously appeared in Storybrooke sans-Anastasia so perhaps we shouldn’t trust in his desire for a ‘happily ever after’ too much.
Boyfriend Rating: B+
Relationship Rating: 8 out of 10 Feels ?ﾟﾘﾍ?￢ﾘﾺ️?ﾟﾘﾘ?ﾟﾘﾄ⚪️⚪️
If the recent plotlines of Once Upon a Time are any indication, a relationship with Robin will not be easy. But it’s not his fault. Frankly Robin is devoted and sweet. He’s honourable and adamantly follows his sense of duty. That’s the problem though. In a world where villains are constantly throwing evils schemes your way you can’t always play by the rules. However, you will stick with Robin through thick & thin because he is the kind of man you could search your whole life for!
Boyfriend Rating: A-
Relationship Rating: 8 out of 10 Feels ?￢ﾘﾺ️?ﾟﾘﾦ?ﾟﾘﾂ☺️?￢ﾚﾪ️⚪️
Rumplestiltskin / Mr Gold
This is a case where the split personality matters. Mr. Gold was quite devoted to Belle, while Rumple was horrible to everyone, including his own family. If you are venturing into this relationship, be absolutely sure you have the human – not the crocodile. That being said, even the lesser of two evils is still evil. You will try to get close to him but he will continue to choose his nefarious plots over you time-and-time-again. We watched it unfold on our screens with Belle. Don’t think it would be any different with you. Perhaps if you were interested in giving the dark side a try though it might be another story… we haven’t seen how Rumple would react to a partner in crime.
Boyfriend Rating: D
Relationship Rating: 4 out of 10 Feels (5 if you’re evil) ?ﾟﾘﾟ?ﾟﾘﾲ⚪️⚪️⚪️⚪️⚪️?
Hook / Killian Jones
Your relationship with Hook might have a bit of a slower start than with some of the other men of Storybrooke. His sordid past is definitely a concern. A dastardly pirate? That doesn’t sound like the ideal companion… but he’s just so charming & roguishly handsome! Plus he seems to genuinely want to change for you. No, not change. He wants to re-find himself. Re-find Killian, the nice guy who wants to treat a lady right. As soon as you give in to your temptations the passion will build into an undeniable love… or at least that’s how it goes in my imagination…
Boyfriend Rating: B+
Relationship Rating: 9 out of 10 Feels ?ﾟﾘﾎ?ﾟﾘﾉ?￢ﾘﾺ️?ﾟﾘﾀ?￢ﾚﾪ️
Who is your OUAT boyfriend? (Can you guess mine?) Maybe I didn’t even include him here… there are just too many hunks parading around Storybrooke/the Enchanted Forest/Camelot this season (?)!
Love & Luck,