Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor In Paradise (or whatever the newest spin-off happens to be) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
Oh Bachelor in Paradise, you are so educational. Don’t you think? Let’s review what we learned this week… Don’t screw over a widow – thanks to Joe. Bros before Hoes is not a thing in Paradise – thanks to Justin (and Samantha really is a Hoe). How about: Blackmail is not the way to convince someone to date you – thanks to Samantha? That’s an important one. But before I dig into dating advice from this week’s episode let’s review the top 5 highs & lows for the week:
1. 💁🍹🙆 Drunk Ashley S > Literally Everyone Else Ever.
2. ❤️❄️❤️ Tanner is good with “game play strategy” but not playing people. That is the most perfect thing you could have said Tanner. You are still my special snowflake. Also, Tanner + Jade = My Forever OTP
3. 🚢💎💙 Is that the Heart of the Ocean Ashley I is wearing? My Fangirl Life Titanic Expert Justine confirms it is.
“But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean at the end?”
“Well baby, I went down and got it for you.”
“Awww you shouldn’t have.”
4. 👦💔👸 I love how Jared saying he’s “not completely over” Kaitlyn translated to “he’s obsessed with you” in Ashley I’s head. And how she dramatically phoned Kaitlyn to yell at her. Oh Ashley, keep it together sweetheart. You are obviously the one doing the obsessing.
5. 😈🌅👼 Even with all of this week’s drama (we know there was a lot thanks to the After Paradise “drama” counter) I still think the most shocking moment was when JJ gave his rose to Ashley S. What is even happening???? Then he left to pursue a girl at home… and somehow we liked him more for it…??? Paradise was the best thing that could have happened to JJ. No longer a Villain Vill-ing, now a hero to us all; speaking of which…
🇺🇸🏆🇺🇸 Also, that heroic music that played as JJ gave his exit speech & marched out of Paradise. #HighlightofmyLife
Remember that time that Joe was laying with his head in an adorable besties-sleepover-style huddle with Jared, Joshua & Kirk (such a manly moment for them all) gossiping about Samantha? He said that she would be exposed & everyone would know who she really was soon. In my head I heard a dramatic “Dun Dun Dun” echo with the finality. Joe was going to END her. And then, in reality, he just tried to use his proof to blackmail her into loving him. So not the comeback I was expecting. Or the best idea of how to win a lady’s heart.
In case you’re watching Bachelor in Paradise on a quest for dating advice I’ve compiled a list. Based on this week’s episode, here are some better ways get the opposite sex to love you… rather than blackmailing them:
- Take them fishing, especially if you’ve told them it is one of your favourite activities.
- Play wrestle after watching a Mexican wrestling match… that one’s a bit specific but I trust you to use the spirit of it if you can’t follow through on the exact action.
- Liquor yourselves up for some liquid courage.
- Reintroduce yourself in an attempt to have a fresh start… I realize this didn’t work but I mainly think it’s because Samantha is a b*tch.
- Take up a Fantasy Suite offer on your first date.
- Have adorably shy conversations about your relationship status.
- Come back to Paradise, a place with free food, free-flowing booze, private beaches, & nothing but free time, for them.
Hope this helps!
Until next episode…
Love & Luck,