Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor In Paradise (or whatever the newest spin-off happens to be) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
Who knew that coming to Paradise would be so important to some people that they would do conscious pre-plotting before the show? I mean, this is something I would obviously do… but I never imagined any of these desperate attention-seekers would think of it. Before I get in to why Samantha & Joe are not wrong for scheming but have gone about it in all of the wrong ways, let’s take a walk down memory lane with my top 5 highs & lows for the week:
1. 😐💻😕 I am still not convinced Samantha is a real person. I swear she is computer generated… have right from the very start. No one is that perfect looking, being skinny – but not too skinny, curvy – but not too curvy, tanned – but not orange, perfect white teeth – but still with a natural smile. And that’s without even getting into her Disney Princess hair! It’s nice that she’s turned out to be kind of a bitch or I would have thought she was just a figment of everyone’s imagination.
2. 💁😍👑 Speaking of looks, it is not fair how freaking cute Carly always looks in Paradise. When she was rocking the daisy flower-crown & rocker tee I wanted to reach through the TV & steal the clothes off her back. And how fabulous does Ashley S repeatedly look? She has this goddess-chic thing going on that make me believe maybe her crazy is because she’s a greater being.
Joe: “Maybe I’m trying to vill.”
Jared: “You’re not vill-ing. Stop it.”
4. 😎😎😎 Chris Harrison’s Intro for Night 2: “Joe tricked Juelia into giving him a rose. Now he’s paying the price for being an BEEEEEEP”. Woah there CH… tell us how you really feel 😉
5. 📱🙊💩 Tanner tells the guys he has a screenshot of the messages proving Joe & Samantha schemed about being together prior to coming on the show. Of course you do Tanner, because you are the most perfect little fangirl sleuth that has ever lived. And I love you.
Did my intro get you all fired up? Are you thinking that I’m about to defend Samantha & Joe and their dastardly deeds? Well I’m not. What they did was wrong… because everyone should enter Paradise “for the right reasons” (Barf… it’s gross but still true). They should not have played Juelia or lied to everyone the way they did.
However, I kind of get it. My viewing companions expressed the thought, when all of the the Soe (?) (Jam?) (These couple names suck) drama was going down, “If they just want to be together why didn’t they just go on a date in the real world?”. Good question friends… although not a hard one to answer. My response was to simply gesture at the TV. Sure it was Lauren’s “personal hell”, but for most people Paradise is paradise. We were introduced to the Bachelor(ette)’s personal bartender in the oh-so-perfect song this week (Hello Jorge! I think we would be friends!). And Clare’s weirdo phone convo with her stay-at-home racoon revealed that they have a made-to-order, open-any-time kitchen right in the house. Who wouldn’t’ scheme to get into a place like that? And, after all, this is a “game show” of sorts so strategy should be encouraged. Jam just went about it wrong. Here are the three places they got off track and how I, a self-proclaimed “Game Master”, would have done it right:
1. Playing Juelia
How did it ever seem like a good idea to pull one over on the widow? She is the most sympathy-inducing “character” on this show. Joe should have tried to work Clare or Ashley I, if he was hell-bent on ‘playing’ a girl until Samantha arrived. They are known drama queens. No one has any fucks left to give them. He would not have been villainized for changing his mind about them either, seeing as they are crazy-as-hell. Alternatively, Joe could have had a rational conversation with someone like Juelia or Clare, both of whom were lacking real connections at that point, about bringing him through until someone right for each of them came along. These girls might be desperate, but they could also be reasoned with. You make a strong friendship & have each other’s backs until Mr or Mrs Right comes along. But we clearly saw in this episode that Joe is incapable of having a rational conversation… so that’s out the window.
2. Lying About Knowing Each Other
Why would you lie? Especially if someone in the house is a friend of yours in real life. Tanner knows the truth, Joe. You told him yourself. Why would you try to deny it now? Were I in Soe‘s place I would have confessed that we’d talked a bit via social media beforehand right from the start. If you say it early then it is volunteered information & everyone is far more likely to buy your story. Then, for God’s sake, take off your microphone when getting your stories straight. We, the audience, can hear you!!!
3. Alienating the Rest of the House
As if being a jerk to Juelia wasn’t bad enough, Jam had to make things worse by existing in their own little bubble. I don’t think Samantha talked to anyone other than Joe until 2 days after she arrived. Juelia was supposed to be one of her BFFs IRL, yet she didn’t check on her when she was mysteriously missing all the time (while she was hiding out crying). Didn’t Samantha wonder where all the women were? FYI, they were comforting the friend you screwed over. No one will want to take your side if you haven’t bonded with them. Haven’t you heard the expression “Keep your friends close but your enemies closer”? It’s not just so you can see what your enemy is doing; it’s also so you can make your enemy believe they are your friend.
Man I need to go on this show. I’d have a field day with all of the mind games I could play… I mean, I’m sure I’d find my one true love. Remember the right reasons Kris!
Until next episode…
Love & Luck,