Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor In Paradise (or whatever the newest spin-off happens to be) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
Top 3. Dhun Dhun Dhun. The drama ensues and is, in turn, breeding ample amounts of tension. So much tension Shawn can’t even piss (lol). The end is near and our Bachelorette has narrowed her field to the three “best” contestants. We left off this week with each contestant getting ready to take a turn “plowing her field” (as she so eloquently put it when meeting Bachelor Chris) in an attempt to even the score and put all of the men on the same level… which is obviously a load of crap. There is no way she is putting the same consideration into each of her suitors and, unfortunately, the only one who doesn’t realize it is the adorably charming straggler. But before I get into my analysis of who is a front-runner & who is falling behind, let’s take a stroll down memory lane & recap the night’s highs & lows:
— Shawn is not only too tense to piss, but so stressed he’s developed a pimple on his forehead that is so large that it’s practically a second head. Luckily the Bachelorette’s make-up people made him acceptable for dates.
+++ Ben H wanted to play hide & seek with Kaitlyn in Irish castle ruins. Could he be any cuter not being able to find her? Surprise Twist: Turns out the boat is gone and she’s actually just ditched… that’s kind of the Bachelor(ette)’s thing these days (see both Chris & Kaitlyn’s 2-on-1 dates).
??? Why is she telling Shawn about Nick? Kaitlyn spends so much time talking to each of the guys about each of the other guys. It just doesn’t seem like productive relationship building. Instead it seems like our Bachelorette is trying to drive the hunky Shawn away by telling him she slept with Nick. She wants him to be the one to walk out so she’s not “the bad guy.”
— On the subject of goodbyes, they are not Kaitlyn’s strong suit. Actually she sucks at them. She didn’t even tell Joe that she was eliminating him until he confessed that he didn’t know what to do. Then she acted all annoyed that he didn’t understand. Girlie, if you’re going to have all of these emotional talks about your feelings (ugh… I would have none of those), you better make your feelings clear. You can’t just tell Joe you’re not on the same page & expect him to know he’s cut. And you can’t just drop a bomb on Shawn and completely stop talking. There are Rose Ceremonies for a reason; use them.
+++ Kaitlyn should have just asked the Producers for the clip of her & Nick forgetting they were mic’ed while being “intimate”. She could have showed it to Shawn and avoided all of her awkward blabbering & talking in circles. Clear. Concise. It’s what I would have done.
??? “Are you a virgin?” “No…” Kaitlyn, just because a person thinks talking & getting to know someone who they may be getting engaged to in 2 weeks is more important than sex does not mean they have never had sex… it just means you are a person to him, not a plaything. This girl is the biggest horn-dog this show has ever seen.
— Obviously there is no Cocktail Party. It’s an easy path to more drama; someone will inevitably stop her mid-rose distribution for a conversation.
+++ Do you think Chris Harrison offers a Boot Camp for the men where they learn how to stand still & brood for long periods of time? During Kaitlyn & Shawn’s private convo. While she was escorting Jared out. And so on…
+++ Jared exited like a champ. Offering her his jacket. “Just make sure you find the man of your dreams because you deserve it”. Keeping composed. No tears until in the van. He could offer a training course for future contestants as well.
Here’s where we sit at the end of Week 7:
The three men left are a vast array of types. The sweetheart. The sleaze ball. And the feeler. Can you guess which is which? I’m going to break down why I labeled these guys as such, why Kaitlyn will/won’t choose esteem and why I would/wouldn’t be jumping on that.
I hate Nick. Every time he’s on screen I want to punch him in his stupid beaver face. Most of the time I would attempt to give a contestant a second chance; I’ll somewhat reset my opinions of all of the Bachelor in Paradise participants. Yet with Nick I cannot get over what a skeeze-bag he is. I know people change but he called out Andi on national television like a sulky little bitch, then proceeded to at least lightly stalk her & her new fiancé. It was nice to see his confidence waver for once when Kaitlyn sent him home from the group date & asked for more time with Shawn… not nice enough to make me rethink my opinion though.
Going into the overnight date, Kaitlyn expressed a concern that their relationship is just passion. Finally! Yet her lack of forethought makes me doubt it’ll matter. She slept with him too soon, without considering how it would affect anything, then proceeded to let it affect everything she did or said… or didn’t do or didn’t say. She’s wrapped up in him and is making no attempt to get out. I think the prison Fantasy Suite joke was actually the Producers dropping a major metaphor for Kaitlyn & Nick’s relationship.
Conclusion: Kaitlyn is keeping him to the end… possibly the VERY end as her new fiancé. And I don’t think I even need to explain how I wouldn’t pick Nick. I wouldn’t have carried him through even one week, although I wouldn’t have had to because I wouldn’t have let him on the show. Actually, he wouldn’t even have attempted that because I wouldn’t have started texting to him in the first place… “Oh you like how I handled myself on the show? That’s nice, maybe you can take lessons from me because you were a Class A asshole.”
Shawn was my favourite right off the bat, like before the show had even started and I had just read the online bios for this season’s contestants. He is attractive, in a manly & roguish way, with a voice that you feel in your chest. And he is passionate. He is deeply, emotionally invested in his relationship with Kaitlyn… so much so that it is turning him into a crazy person. Our Shawn is all over the map as of late, saying the right thing then the wrong, then being calm, then totally losing it before composing himself once again into a charmer.
We got overdramatic moments when he “wanted to want a rose” yet couldn’t bring himself to be with a woman who also likes Nick. Moments where he is visiting Nick’s room with the sole purpose of yelling at him (I think?). Where he is brooding on a bridge, close to tears. Yet we also saw him take a deep breath and think through what he was going to say after Kaitlyn dropped the (unneeded) Nick/sex truth bomb. We saw him remove himself from a stressful situation to compose himself. We saw him agree to trust Kaitlyn and let her make her own decisions & mistakes. Seriously, ALL OVER THE MAP!
Conclusion: Kaitlyn may have forgiven her original front-runner for his antics due to her love for testosterone filled passion. She says she doesn’t like Nick & Shawn fighting, yet she keeps them both around. I’d be very surprised if this Ryan Gosling knock-off wasn’t in the finale. Up to last week he would, without a doubt, have been in mine… now I’m not 100% sure.
Ben has been killing it. He’s calm & collected, yet makes heartfelt pleas (“I fear that I am unloveable”). He appears intelligent & thoughtful, yet is playful & fun (playing hide & seek). Most of all, he makes his time with Kaitlyn about him & Kaitlyn. There is no bad-mouthing other men or talk of house politics. He is trying to get to know her, make himself known and create a real, lasting connection… you know, like a real date would in the real world.
But his steady presence is making Kaitlyn forget all about him. She has special moments telling Shawn he’s “the one” while Ben is in the bathroom. She obsesses for days (weeks?) over what she did with Nick and how Shawn will react. What about Ben? Shawn is (the only person who is) discreet enough to not spread the Nick/sex gossip so luckily she doesn’t have to worry about Ben finding out about it from him instead of from her. But now he’s actually finding out from watching the season back while it airs on national television. That’s embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as being the only person in America to not realize you don’t have a chance.
Conclusion: Ben H is doomed. While he is obvisously the best choice, he is also way too calm for our girl Kaitlyn. She likes her drama and the other two offer much more manly, testosterone-induced excitement to pass up. As for me: #BenHForBachelor.
Until next episode…
Love & Luck,
My Fangirl Life’s Official Bachelorette Contestant Ranking:
#1 – Ben H (A+)
#2 – Jared (A+) … Because of that superb exit.
#3 – Shawn (A-) … Too much crazy & drama for me.
#4 – Joe (B) … No matter how harsh he was on the way out he’d never drop below “The Other Guy”
#5 – Nick (D-)