Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor In Paradise (or whatever the newest spin-off happens to be) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
Every time I think we’ve maxed out on drama this season of The Bachelorette, another episode comes along and tops the last week. More anger. More tears. More make-out sessions with literally everyone. Last night’s episode was no exception.
– + – Does Tanner start each day with a Bachelor gossip Google search? Because he knows a little too much about Nick. We’re not just talking about last season of The Bachelorette. He knows where Nick has been and who he has been seeing lately too. Any man who knows more about when Bachelorette contestants are up to than I do is officially too informed.
– – – “I really wanted to meet this girl.” – Nick. Fine Nick, you wanted to meet her. But why did you have to wait until she was The Bachelorette? Why didn’t you meet her during the long & apparently intensely important time when you were texting & talking on the phone?
+++ “I really like Nick but my worst nightmare has come true.” A quote from Kaitlyn right after Shawn told her he doesn’t trust Nick or like that she has allowed him to join the ensemble of men. Shawn not liking me any more would be my worst nightmare too.
– – – Geez, that Rose Ceremony came out of nowhere! I realize they were having a Cocktail Party leading up to it, but I still can’t get used to the odd timing of RC’s. I miss the tried-and-true timing of previous seasons.
+++ Ben H makes me swoon. Every time he’s featured I fall a little bit more for him. He might not have had the sickest moves on the dance floor while two-stepping with Kaitlyn, but his smile is reason enough to love him.
– – – Nothing make you look crazier than spending all of your one-on-one time with the Bachelorette telling her about how much you dislike another guy. Dude make your time about you & her!
– – – I take it back… you can look crazier: if none of your friends back you up when the Bachelorette calls you out in front of them. Good for Kaitlyn for standing up for herself but I think she got a tad overly defensive & totally threw Joshua under the bus. Provided he laid down in the road first.
– – – Why did no one fix Josh’s hair prior to the Cocktail Party?!?! Poor guy. I realize the men are locked in their hotel rooms, prison-style, when not out on dates but they could have brought a barber in for him. Or maybe the hair stylist I’m certain is on staff for Kaitlyn & Chris Harrison’s benefit could have helped? Or literally any one working on The Bachelorette or competing as a contestant could have grabbed a pair of clippers and trimmed him up? No? Ok, keep looking like a tool then.
+++ “There’s my girl… oh sorry, OUR girl, I guess.”- Chris (I don’t think I saw him otherwise this episode but that line stole the night for me).
Here’s where we sit at the end of Week 5:
In this blog series I often talk about what I would do if I was The Bachelorette. Occasionally I discuss what my strategy would be should I ever find myself as a contestant. But for the first time ever I am going to talk about what I would do post-Bachelorette with my 15-minutes of Bachelor fame: Match Make.
Here’s my pitch: I put my life on hold for weeks (months even) to find love on national television. I have been to extremely romantic spots (carefully selected to inspire feelings of desire). I have taken part in romantic activities (specifically designed to manufacture feelings of closeness). I should be an expert at recognizing what is romantic. On top of that, I will obviously be an expert at figuring out what people’s motives & intentions are… how else would I know who’s there for “the right reasons”? Why not put these newly honed skills to work by pairing up potential love birds? (Plus the marketing material writes itself!)
Who would be my first clients? Failed Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants of course! Those who have been unlucky in love so far can look no further than my database of other losers! I (for a small fee) will find them the perfect mate, who is equally delusional & desperate… this is a given based on them both having agreed to take part in such a ridiculous & unsuccessful tv show. Don’t believe me that I can do it? I already have my first match planned!
Wouldn’t Ian & Kelsey be perfect for each other? They both seemed awesome in the beginning. The started their seasons of The Bachelorette/The Bachelor looking intelligent & thoughtful. They present an air of sophistication & a down-to-earth quality that most cast members do not possess. And then, in a totally unexpected twist, they both went bat-shit crazy. They were suddenly so unimpressed with every thing and every one… because they suddenly realized they were better than this show? I would have agreed before the psychosis set in, but now I think they are made for each other (and no one else). Here are a few quality quotes to prove it:
“She’s not half as hot as my ex girlfriend.” – Ian
“I don’t understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want me — Princeton graduate, former model that defied death and has been around the world a couple of times.” – Ian
“I get it. I am blessed with eloquence and I’m articulate and I use a lot of big words because I’m smart.” – Kelsey
“I think I am a very eligible Bachelor, in this country and in this world. I am an enigma and who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life.” – Ian
“Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic, but amazing. I love my story.” – Kelsey
“I don’t think that’s something wrong with me, I think that’s something wrong with her.” – Ian
“I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story too. This is the unfolding of somebody who has been through something so tragic, and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship.” – Kelsey
“Like, I have a good time in my own life. And I meet chicks, and I have a lot of sex in my own life.” – Ian
Until next week…
Love & Luck,
My Fangirl Life’s Official Bachelorette Contestant Ranking:
Notes: (1) Nick might have the advantage of knowing Kaitlyn prior to the show but he had the disadvantage of me knowing him from last season too. He remains in a solid last place. (2) JJ went from villain to background noise with the arrival of Nick. Lucky him. (3) Shawn is so dreamy I can barely handle it.