Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
Hello Bachelor Nation. It’s been awhile! Or maybe not… maybe you’ve been with me all along as I created increasingly random Tuesday Walk of Shame posts during the show’s hiatus. Either way, we are back with a whole new season of overdramatic arguments, ugly crying, manufactured romance, and premature confessions of love… all starting with a “historic” two-night Bachelorette event (as Chris Harrison dramatically referred to it).
Right off the bat Episode 1 rubbed me the wrong way. Chris said ‘some people were excited and some were angry’ coming into this edition of the Bachelorette; I was the latter but not because of the big ‘twist’. Obviously I scoff at the idea that The Producers have once again given all of the power to the men, making their female contestants feel vulnerable & small… but I expect little else from a show that revels in emotional manipulation. What got me all fired up was the initial portrayal of the battling Bachelorettes. We all know The Producers want Britt to be the big winner, but did they have to be so blatantly obvious about it? The introductory montage feature Kaitlyn’s most scandalous moments (stripping on the dock) interspersed with her most awkward. Meanwhile Britt’s clips offered up her most charming interactions while literally referring to her as “beautiful” and “sincere”. They could at least pretend they haven’t picked a favourite. Luckily it’s up the men to decide who sticks around and who is sent packing (although, if the rumours are true, the loser actually sticks around in some capacity as well).
Before getting into the men, whom I shall re-rank now that I have met them (past their online bios), let’s talk Kaitlyn vs. Britt. It is no secret I am #TeamKaitlyn. I literally wrote a blog post entitled “11 Times Kaitlyn Will Be Better Than Britt“. However all of the reasons I love Kaitlyn were what made me fear for her safety in the competition. If the guys had time to get to know them both, there’s no question that Ms. I’m-so-real-it’s-occasionally-hard-to-watch (aka Kaitlyn) would win over Ms. I’m-so-fake-I-sleep-in-my-makeup-and-my-face-is-screwed-into-this-smile (aka Britt). But being fake offers an amazing first impression. She can seem entirely unperturbed by what has to be the most ridiculous situation she’s ever been placed in. Kaitlyn, on the other hand, can’t help but appear nervous… because she is nervous… and Kaitlyn is an open book. Plus, as pretty as Kaitlyn is, Britt is a knock-out 11-out-of-10 looker. Doesn’t matter how much I can’t stand her, I’ll fully admit that.
Luckily there was a cocktail party for Kaitlyn to “campaign” (sooo awkward trying get to know someone & see if you have a connection while also trying to convince them you are worth keeping around). Her oh-so-normal antics of running into the house just to get another look at the men (much to Britt’s chagrin), telling jokes to break the ice (“Knock Knock.” “Who’s there?” “2 Bachelorettes.” “Two Bachelorettes who?” “That’s the joke.”) and repeatedly stating how handsome everyone is were bound to sway some of the contestants to her side… not that some needed convincing. Those were my favourites ? AND IT WAS A SUCCESS!!!!!! #TeamKaitlyn Forever!!!
Speaking of the men… here are the details of my ranking shuffle:
#25 (Down 2 from #23)
Tony – I like this ‘Healer’ less than the drunk guy. That should tell you how much I’d be willing to put up with to not have to spend time in the same room as him. How is he still there?!?!
#24 (Up 1 from #25)
Shawn E. – Screw You Ryan M for being drunk and making Shawn E look like a victim instead of like the douche he is.
#23 (Down 4 from #19)
Ryan M. – Go Home Drunky.
#22 (Down 13 from #9)
Josh – He is way too into his career as a stripper. And way too into Britt.
#21 (Down 6 from #15)
Kupah – He was #TeamBritt. Not acceptable. He’s dead to me.
#20 (Down 6 from #14)
Jonathan – #TeamBritt. Nope.
#19 (Up 5 from #24)
Cory – Who is this guy?
#18 (Up 2 from #20)
Bradley – I repeat, who is this guy?
#17 (Up 4 from #21)
David – “Shit it’s Kaitlyn” Bahahaha Poor David. That’s what you get for betting on #TeamBritt.
#16 (Down 11 from #5)
Daniel – “It’s hard for me because there is no wrong choice.” There is Daniel, there is.
#15 (Up 7 from #22)
Brady – Brady talks too slow. He needed to go home so I didn’t have to listen to him. However, I do respect that he was in it for the ‘right reasons’, leaving to pursue Britt.
#14 (Down 11 from #3)
Tanner – He’s been featured very little, except that time he brought Britt tissues because she’s a big crier. Hilarious. Nothing like an insult parading as a good deed.
#13 (Down 7 from #6)
Clint – Clint made Kaitlyn a drawing of Chris Harrison on a triceratops. Can I have one??? Cause CH is the bomb. Also members of the internet refer to Clint as “Thor” which sways this nerd to his side ?
#12 (Down 8 from #4)
Ryan B. – He’s handsome. That’s about all I know about him… but apparently it’s enough to hit just outside the Top 10.
#11 (Up 5 from #16)
Ben Z. – Ben Z was a Kaitlyn convert. I’m choosing to not hold his time on #TeamBritt against him. This is my official royal pardon.
#10 (Up 7 from #17)
Chris – Made a move with the first kiss… maybe a bit too soon buddy. He creeps me out for some reason, so despite their quality interaction I can’t get on Team Chris.
#9 (Up 4 from #13)
Justin – Justin was proof that Kaitlyn’s guys tried harder… balloons are an adorable first-meet gift. Plus they are super obvious when Kaitlyn is holding them that Britt did not get any.
#8 (Up 4 from #12)
Jared – LoveMan. Ugh. Disgusting. But he may have redeemed himself by telling Kaitlyn he was #TeamBritt … bold move. I guess it would have been AWFUL to find out when he’s one of her top 2 that he picked Britt. Respect man… it almost makes up for your worst-superhero-ever t-shirt.
#7 (Up 4 from #11)
Ian – “I’m hoping it’s going to be you, so I’m making sure it is.” Kaitlyn really needed that to cut her nerves during first introductions. He hasn’t done a lot to stand out since then, but that also means he hasn’t done anything to make me hate him yet.
#6 (Up 2 from #8)
Corey – I call Corey ‘Investment Banker Ken’ but I mean it in the nicest way. He’s charming, with a goofy grin… an enjoyable contrast to his classic good looks. When he asked if she’d plough his field even if he’s not a farmer I was sold on him being an adequate match for Kaitlyn.
#5 (Up 5 from #10)
Joshua – He had an adorable bio video, welding a rose for his Bachelorette, who he happily hoped was Kaitlyn. Good Boy. It worked out; she loved it… “I’m a man.” – Kaitlyn
#4 (Up 14 from #18)
Joe – Kentucky has some country boy charm going with him. He brought Kaitlyn moonshine which, in my family, always means good times. It’s nice to see someone so down-to-earth for our Canadian girl.
#3 (Down 1 from #2)
Ben H. – He was originally #TeamKaitlyn but when he met Britt she “took his words away.” Nooooooooo. Luckily one chat with Kaitlyn won him back to the right side of things.
#2 (Up 5 from #7)
JJ – Came in as #TeamKaitlyn. “I would love to puck you.” Flip-flopped to #TeamBritt when he only got a chance to talk to her. Then when it was Kaitlyn they talked at instantly connected. It was so cute… I believed in it. I believe in their potential.
Shawn B. – His face. His voice. His personality. His everything. I love him. He opened with a group hug to ease the tension. I was worried when he talked to Britt first, but he followed it up with telling Kaitlyn that he was totally & completely #TeamKaitlyn (a phrase he literally used). High fives all around! “This is the closest I‘ve felt to love at first sight”. He is so #TeamKaitlyn and I am so #TeamShawnB. Can this season just be about Kaitlyn & Shawn B falling in love?
Except that isn’t what this season is about! It’s about men crying and Kaitlyn ‘getting it on’ and soon much drama. So much drama that we rewound and watched the preview twice!