Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
They’re here! Last week I complained about the lack of profiles on this season’s Bachelorette contestants. I worried that I would have to go into the first episode blind, without having judgementally rated & ranked all of the men based on nothing but their online bios. But my fears were unnecessary because The Producers posted a bit on each guy yesterday. Now I will share the highlights with you… I apologize for the overload all in one post, but there just isn’t time to do multiple!
Check out everyone’s full bios here! Or just keep reading to get the most noteworthy part… and of course my rating & ranking! Here are the men, in order from worst to best:
#25 Shawn E. – I was all excited to see a Canadian boy… then I read anything about him. Ick. Superhero he’d be? “Superman, because you can’t change what you already are! :)” And occupation? “Amateur Sex Coach” What does that mean? He picks up women for one night stands full of criticism? Plus check out the man-necklace. Go Home Shawn E. No One Likes You.
#24 Cory – Cory hates when his date “talks about how cool they are” and yet if he could be anyone for a day it would be “my younger self.” Cory, those things don’t seem to line up… or is it that only you can talk about how cool you are?
#23 Tony – What is a “Healer”? Sounds awfully hippy-dippy… unless he exists in the Harry Potter wizarding world. Then that’s an A+ career.
#22 Brady – I don’t trust anyone with a music career on this show. Maybe he’s here for the ‘right reasons’ but I somehow doubt that… think of how many women will know his name after this; it’s publicity gold.
#21 David – David is lame. Also he apparently has exes that would make a big scene, so either he’s done some crappy thing to chicks in the past or he usually goes for crazies… either way, I’m out.
#20 Bradley – This might sound mean (when has that ever stopped me?) but there’s something about Bradley’s face that I can’t get over. I am purely judging this book by its cover and that judgment is sketched out.
#19 Ryan M. – And then there’s Ryan M. Ryan M., why don’t I like you? You just look like a meathead. Are you a meathead? I apologize if you are not… but maybe you should change your haircut or something to look less meathead-ish.
#18 Joe – Where does he see himself in 5 years? “Honestly that’s too far ahead. I’m a man that takes life one day at a time. If you look too far into the future you’ll ignore the present.” Ummmmmmm… isn’t he on this show so he’ll be in love & married in 5 years???
#17 Chris – The most outrageous thing Chris has done is “Being on national TV in my underwear”. I promise you that you will top that by the end of this show Chris.
#16 Ben Z. – His answer to who his dream lunch would be with was “My mom. I would take any extra second I could get with her.” I love my mom, but BARF! It’s too much.
#15 Kupah – Kupah answers questions like a 14 year-old girl. Example 1: Marriage means? “FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER”. Example 2: What makes you mad? “The thought of being alone = mad/sad”. Jury’s still out on whether this is a good or bad thing.
#14 Jonathan – Did anyone else find it fishy that Jonathan’s height wasn’t listed? What is he hiding????
#13 Justin – Who would Justin be? “Someone from a less privileged area or country. It would be an eye-opening/humbling experience”. Way to pull on the heartstrings kid. Now anyone wanting to meet their favourite athletes, or even role models, looks like a big self-centred jerk. Well played.
#12 Jared – “For the past six years, I’ve been a volunteer at a week-long summer camp for children with cancer”. Geez Jared, way to master the humble brag. You’re super nice… we get it. Gawwwd.
#11 Ian – Ian once “made a clock with a picture in the background” as a romantic present. That’s quite thoughtful. And he’d have his dream lunch with Jimmy Kimmel… and we all know how much I enjoy Jimmy Kimmel.
#10 Joshua – Joshua is in it to win it, I think. He’s looking for the “one person that God had tailor-made just for me”. He’s climbed Mount Kilimanjaro in Africa. He wants to be The Invincible Man… to hear women “talk to try to understand them better” (with no mention of seeing them naked). Watch out for this one.
#9 Josh – I think wanting to have dinner with “Myself 20 years from now” is so much more intelligent & so much less douchey than Cory’s wanting to be his younger self. I am intrigued by Josh… Also he seems to have been an Exotic Dancer to put himself through law school (or just for fun while in law school… I don’t judge).
#8 Corey – Corey would like the superpower of “The ability to do everything I wanted without needing sleep or losing my health and fitness.” I’m down with that bro… bring on the candy & Netflix.
#7 JJ – This was a stellar answer JJ. Favourite Actor? “Robert Downey Jr. He seems as cool as the other side of the pillow — also respect for how he dealt with adveristy and recovery”. Right amounts cheesy & thoughtful.
#6 Clint – Clint’s biggest dating fear is “Saying too much or coming on strong” so he basically wrote nothing in response to all of the questions. That’s ok Clint, I prefer that to the bullshit a lot of these guys spew.
#5 Daniel – I like Daniel. I can’t put my finger on why… I just do. I am cheering for him on night one.
#4 Ryan B. – This dreamboat is also a dog lover. He “rode my bike from Florida to California for a dog rescue.” Yup. There goes my heart.
#3 Tanner – I love that someone finally recognized that the most outrageous thing they’ve ever done is going on this show. Although I hope he’s actually watched the show because one of his turn offs is when his date “gets sloppy drunk.” That is inevitable.
#2 Ben H. – Hello Ben H. Wow, what a hottie… although his definition of marriage, “It is a total sacrifice. Marriage is about a commitment to another person and total sacrifice to fulfill that commitment.”, makes me think that this 26-year-old possibly isn’t ready yet.
#1 Shawn B. – OMG. I Love Him. Love. Music Choices: “obviously, One Direction” Greatest achievement to date? “Owning an 1888 farm house and completely fixing/rehabbing it with my father.” Superhero he’d be? “The Hulk. My two-year-old nephew is obsessed with the Hulk. I would love to surprise visit him and yell “HULK, SMASH!”” <3
See you next week when we actually get to meet these hunks!!!