Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
There was no an episode of The Bachelor (or any of its spin-offs) this week. So what alternate inspiration could I find for this edition of Tuesday Walk of Shame? How about the only thing managing to compete with Game of Thrones for space in my wandering mind? The Avengers: Age of Ultron comes out this week!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cue explosions & fireworks to make this well-known statement seem more epic…
I previously wrote about a Westeros Edition of The Bachelor, where I gave short excerpt from what I imagine would be a typical post-episode blog post if different characters were the Bachelor(ette). This time I thought I’d do a little something different. I want to know who you’d want to see as The Avengers Bachelor. I’ll argue the case for each contestant than put a poll at the end so you can tell me your opinion!
Steve Rogers / Captain America
Let’s kick things off with ‘The First Avenger’, aka Captain America. Steve Rogers is such a home-grown hunk that everyone would be left saying “Farmer Chris who?”. Here is a man that will NEVER leave you wondering if he’s there for the ‘right reasons’. Captain America only does things for the right reasons. He doesn’t even know what the wrong reasons could be. A vote for him could be a vote for the first Bachelor I won’t kind of hate by halfway through the season.
Clint Barton / Hawkeye
I’m having trouble writing a rational argument for this one. Hawkeye is my favourite so I want to say simply: “BECAUSE HE’S THE COOLEST!” but doubt that will convince any of our intelligent readers. He’s witty and has an excellent sense of humour, although his romantic track record is less than stellar. In his defence, the track record of the Bachelor is pretty poor so he’ll fit right in. In the end this guy’s winning features are his penchant for honesty, his determination (imagine how much practice it takes to never miss?!?!) and his ability to do killer circus tricks (he was raised by carnies).
Bruce Banner / The Hulk
Bruce Banner is a sweet, sensitive intellectual. He loves curling up with a good book or whatever the newest blockbuster is… preferably if it’s a calming rom-com. He’s the type of man you can sit in comfortable silence with. The kind of guy who will want to go on a romantic getaway to a secluded spa. Anything to stay relaxed. In contrast, The Hulk is a giant green rage-monster with the vocabulary of a 2 year-old, however he is guaranteed to be more ripped than any guys you’ve otherwise dated. Together they make the perfect man…?
This guy is literally a god. Not figuratively. No hyperboles needed. LITERALLY A GOD. Can you imagine how catty the bachelorettes would get if competing for the attention of an honest-to-god God? They were crazy enough over a farmer from shit-hole nowhere Iowa. Girls would have to consider relocation, but it would be to the beautiful alternate plane of Asgard… where they would be a god! I think… I’m not sure how marriage to gods works. Is it like when you marry a king and automatically become queen? Or is it more complicated where you end up just being a lowly normal who is married to a god? If anyone knows fill me in… (seriously…in the comments).
Tony Stark / Iron Man
Genius. Billionaire. Playboy. Philanthropist. Iron Man. Is any other argument really needed?
Or maybe you’d rather see an Avengers Bachelorette? I guess that could be taken in two ways: either all of the contestants are Avengers or there is an Avenger as the Bachelorette. If it was the first, I volunteer to be Bachelorette! If it is the second…
Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow
Can you imagine Natasha Romanoff amongst the regular Bachelorette contestants? They would be drooling, falling over themselves to get her attention. She would be looking at them like they were less than dirt… that is, until she decided to make them a subservient group of personal manservants… using nothing but her feminine wiles… and a pair of handguns.
Who do you think is the most eligible bachelor(ette) In the Avengers? …and by that I mean who do you want to see on the show/have whisk you off your feet… not who is literally eligible…
Love & Luck,