Today I am bringing you another instalment from our “Mangirling” correspondent, Johnny Rico. Read on, fangirls!
The world was shocked, *shocked* last week when, only days after temporarily leaving the band for personal reasons, Zayn officially left the band, for like forever and junk. Though we here at Fangirl Industries LLC officially mourn the departure of Mr. Malik, we know the world does not stop spinning for one man and have pledged to help the four surviving/good members of 1D move forward. So, without further ado, here are 5 fictional characters that could, and in some cases should, fill Zayn’s old school retro letterman jackets and join One Direction as a full time permanent member of the band.
Candidate #1: Prince Hans
Where you might know him from: Disney’s Frozen, the Southern Isles pop charts, Arendelle’s “pop up Goodwill” location after winter came (winter is always coming).
Why he should do it: Prince Hans seriously needs an image rehabilitation after trying to murder two hot sisters. It’s gotten so bad that Hans hasn’t had a date since November 2013; attaching himself to the world’s #1 boy band would help with the ladies in general and it might land him the princess (with no older siblings) that he so desperately desires.
Why 1D should allow it: Hans would have no trouble stepping into another person’s pre-destined role and justifying that switch up to himself, his minions, and anyone else who asked. Whether he was replacing Zayn or Elsa, it would be no problem to Hans. Do we know the King, Queen, and 12 older princes of the Southern Isles don’t want to come to the Elsa’s coronation? Or did Hans just replace them?
Candidate #2: Jace Wayland Herondale Lightwood
Where you might know him from: The Mortal Instruments, New York’s pop charts, the “angel” band-aids he designs and sells.
Why he should do it: If you made a Venn diagram of brooding and hot, young Jace would land squarely in the middle; that’s boy band fan catnip. Have you ever been catnip? You should want to be catnip.
Why 1D should allow it: Imagine Lou Perlman and Simon Cowell went to work in a lab specifically to create the perfect boy band member. It would be Jace that would emerge from the mist when the door opened (there would be lasers and a thumping beat).
Candidate #3: Khal Drogo
Where you might know him from: Game of Thrones, the Dothraki pop charts, as the step-father of dragons
Why he should do it: Ever since Dany moved on, Drogo has been rotting in the Dothraki desert waiting for his next opportunity to lead a horde. The pre-existing 1D fangirls could be that horde and a Khal without a horde is no Khal at all.
Why 1D should allow it: 1D is about to have a diversity problem. Khal Drogo solves this. 1D may also be about to have an upset-Zayn-fan-rushing-the-stage problem. Khal Drogo also solves this.
Candidate #4: Groot
Where you might know him from: Guardians of the Galaxy, the mixtape charts, Morag’s #17 purveyor of fine racoon food
Why he should do it: It can take 50 years for a tree to grow to maturity. That’s a long time for Groot to wait to become the muscle (Dave Batista? Don’t make me laugh, he couldn’t even handle Lesner) again for the Guardians however, a boy bander can reach his apex in 14 to 19 years. The perfect amount of time for a maturing Groot.
Why 1D should allow it: Let’s be honest here, the boys are bad at dancing. Really bad. Groot is this decade’s best dancer, and he won’t take any lines that would normally have been sung by Harry and Liam.
Candidate #5: Uncle Jesse
Where you might know him from: Full House, San Francisco’s pop charts, Jesse and the Rippers
Why he should do it: Despite years of trying, Jesse just doesn’t have what it takes to be a breakout solo artist. But if he was given the pure marketing machine that drives 1D, his musicial talent would burst through to a worldwide audience. Meanwhile his experience would be invaluable to the other 4 boys (not Zayn) in their inevitable solo careers.
Why 1D should allow it: Have mercy, ladies. Jesse is beautiful. Look at his face, get lost in those eyes, and oh my god that hair. The 1D brand is beautiful, Uncle Jesse is beautiful. Also, I have reason to believe he would bring a large gay following to the group.
Would you like to know more?