Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
So that just happened. That’s how I always feel at the end of Women Tell All. It’s exhausting listening to so many women bicker & squabble. This would possibly be my favourite part of being a contestant on The Bachelor however. I could get in there throwing insults and totally needless comments every-which-way. So fun. Let’s review my favourite parts:
– Why don’t they ever crash our Bachelor viewing party? Oh because I haven’t told them about it? Well that makes sense. Also because we wouldn’t be excited or drunk. Instead we’re just four girls sitting around drinking tea and bashing the show… and I’d obviously push the Bachelor out of the way in my rush to get to Chris Harrison.
– “Whatever, she was so happy when she was on Jimmy Kimmel and they hinted at her being the next Bachelorette. Lies! Lies! Lies! I wish I had a pitchfork.” -Viewing Buddy Eileen on Britt
– Ashley S started growing onions and the one she gave to Chris Harrison was the best gift he’s ever received. How hilarious and sad.
– “The first rule of the secret Bachelor betting club… you can’t talk about it.” -Chris Harrison
– “What are you?” -Chris Harrison to Ashley S
– “I like to ride bikes and ummm… I mean this is me. With the camera on, it’s hard for me to not be silly. While all them were getting upset and crying, I was outside picking pomegranates.” -Ashley S in response
– Kaitlyn is awesome. Way to go on calling Chris out on making her go through the Rose Ceremony. So legit. That’s a dick move. #TeamKaitlyn
– “If Britt is the Bachelorette, I’m going to burn something.” -Viewing Buddy Eileen on Britt
With so many women parading in front of me I couldn’t help but judge judge judge! Check it out below… and then see how I went a bit ‘math nerd’ on all of you with my facts & figures (very John Green of me… working graphs into my post):
I realize not all of the women had a chance to talk (slash were pushy enough to interrupt each other) but I still felt the need to rank everyone. Some suffered by having gone unseen for 2 (or 8) weeks… like Bo & Michelle. I kind of forget who they are. Others benefitted by being off screen and keeping their mouths shut during Women Tell All… like Mackenzie. Bless Mackenzie for not opening her mouth and confirming she’s an idiot. For the most part though I found I still feel similarly to how I felt when each woman left the show. Ashley S is the only one who saw a particular jump; I found I missed her and was endeared to her sincere psychosis.
In case you’re more of a visual person or want an easier way to track the movement of my thoughts, whims & judgments through the season I graphed my weekly rating of each woman:
You can clearly see my unwavering affection for Whitney, my consistent indifference to Trina and the steep, dramatic descent of Kelsey. Then there are people like Jade who had a couple of bad weeks or Britt who bounced up in down in how much I liked her.
I know I am judgemental but it doesn’t mean I won’t admit when I was wrong. I’m not saying my well-cultivated, perfected-over-10-weeks opinions of these girls are wrong. Oh no, I am an expert at saying who is awesome, awful and crazy. I am saying that my preconceived, unfounded, before-the-show-has-even-started rankings were not super accurate in terms of how great (or not so great) the contestants really were. Let’s compare:
I can’t believe I had Jillian on the edge of my top 10… little did I know that I would want to punch the tv whenever she was shown. And poor Whitney was originally ranked 18th… and now I’m obsessed with her. She is so sweet & wonderful. Samantha is a perfect example of how you can’t judge a book by its cover… I thought that she would be fake, on account that she looked computer generated. Little did I know that her being computer generated meant she was lovely & unflawed (with the exception of never actually talking to Chris). And Carly was the queen of the slow climb. She started in my bottom 3. Her bio was not good. Then she dropped when she did a karaoke entrance. But over each week she progressively became more real & cleverly comedic, and less cartoon-like.
You can easily see the climb in the below graph. Instead of crowding all 30 ladies in I narrowed it down to just the Top 10… since they’re the only ones we actually cared about anyways…
But let’s get down to the nitty-gritty; the stuff that we didn’t even discuss during tonight’s bitch-fest: The Top 2!
Whose team are you on? Let me know in the comments below! I’m #TeamWhitney. And also adamantly #TeamKaitlyn until the Producers announce the next Bachelorette. See you next week for the dramatic conclusion!
Love & Luck,