Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
Author’s Note: The regular author of Tuesday Walk of Shame (Code Name: Sprinkles) is currently on a girl detective case or questing to find true love at a Name Brand ™ theme park somewhere in the great state of Florida with her faithful co-questers Scrunchie and Scrubs. Sadly for you this means today’s episode of TWoS will be written by noted hater and serial inventor of words: Johnny Rico. Enjoy!
Author’s Note 2: I’ve never watched an episode of the Bachelor nor have I read a single TWoS post. Despite this I am well aware of what the show is and am the creative genius behind the title of this series of banal posts.
Tuesday Walk of Shame: Season 19(?!) Episode 7
This episode started out in a bad way for me. Apparently it’s going to be an “incredible two day television event”. This is not what I signed up for Kris, you said I’d have to watch ONE episode, which I assumed was one hour long, and then be allowed to write a snarky blog post for a much larger audience than I’m used to. Plus now it turns out there is an hour long recap episode?! Good god. The beemanity! And now for a point form recap of the recap….
– Kelsey is nuts. NUTS. Not the fun and quirky kind of nuts that all men can enjoy for 2-6 months, but the special kind of crazy that doesn’t have a rear view mirror to notice the scorched earth left in her wake. Fortunately, for my viewing experience, she managed to pull off one of my favorite TV tropes. You know when a character is incapable of expressing a thought in a way where the audience can understand what she’s thinking? “I just got thrown under the bus… That’s hurtful”. Thank you Kelsey. Now I understand what you were feeling.
– How the hell did Ashley get through the psych test before the show was cast? Unless she was just put there to troll the rest of the cast. She reminds me of my sister.
– Some sleazebag editor in Hollywood must have the single greatest collection of mild pornography in the form of unedited voyeuristic reality TV nudity on the face of the planet. I cannot wait until that guy (it’s a guy) gets just disgruntled enough. The clock is ticking, brother.
– There is no chance, NO EFFING CHANCE, the bachelor known as “Chris” is this naive. He was on the Bachelorette, he knows what’s up. He is not just a passive passenger on this TV show ride, letting events happen as they may. The host (also Chris?) said he’s the most sincere bachelor ever. I 100% disagree. He’s a manipulative sociopath, and I say that as a manipulative sociopath.
– They went to a Big and Rich show? I mean, I guess that’s perfect for a country fried dude like Chris and I loved those guys when they came to the Ponoka Stampede this past summer. So why not? Honest to god, they played “Save a Horse” for 12 minutes 48 seconds. I timed it.
– Whaaaaaaaaat???? A previous bachelorette and her chosen, uh, soul mate split up? That’s horrifying. This truly is a red letter day for the entire reality industry. I’ll be honest: I completely checked out during Andi’s interview and started playing a game on my phone. Her words immediately fell out of my brain as soon as they were spoken, but it feels like she said exactly zero things of consequence.
Like all retrospective episodes, that was a complete waste of time. I’d say Kris now owes me a souvenir from Florida, but then I’d have to write a blog post comparing the flag of Florida to the flag of Jersey and that’s just so time consuming. For the record, neither flag’s Wikipedia page mentions the other being similar. It’s just something I know. Onward to the second hour of the Bachelor tonight! Does this count as a different episode? I have no idea.
– Megan getting walked off the show was super awkward. “She was the first person (on the show that I broke up with) that I really had a connection with…” What the hell? He just said some relationships were moving forward and you’re not one of them. Chin up sweetie, at least you don’t have to go to Iowa.
– Oh the sad plight of small town America. I feel depressed and somehow wondering where I can get my next meth fix. It’s the only way to get through yet another losing Starland football season. I think they lost their homecoming game 52-7 three weeks after Chris and Jade attended.
– Whitney’s date in Des Moines seemed to go a lot better than Jade’s date in Arlington. I think because it wasn’t in Arlington. She did have to experience Des Moines though, so there’s that. I think the city slogan should now be “Experience Des Moines” because why not? What the hell else are they going to hang their cowboy hat on?
– I’m not super sure I’d spend a whole lot of time talking about my mother’s sudden death on a date in this situation. Diff’rent yolks for diff’rent blokes, I guess. Although she did transform that supes awko convo into something kind of sweet / manipulative about family. So, bonus points for that.
– Am I the only one who doesn’t believe those four girls (uh, Brittney, Carly, Kaitlyn, and Becca) found their way to Arlington on their own? I can suspend my disbelief about finding love on a reality TV show, but not about those four finding that place. It was fun that the four girls spent the whole time in Arlington doing nothing but shit talk the town. Oh, and they talked about having babies.
– They really need to have these women wear name tags.
– I love the “girl couch talks”. It’s easily the best part of the Bachelor. They super judgy, yet totally not-at-all-supportive back and forth could not be scripted if you tried.
– There was a group skating date with Britt, Carly, and Kaitlyn. Fun facts: Des Moines is home to the Minnesota Wild’s top minor league affiliate AND Chris didn’t have any tape on the butt end of his stick, but the girls did. Which is weird.
– Carly and Kaitlyn doing a traditional hockey interview with each other got a chortle out of me.
– How funny would it be if an entire season of the Bachelor was ruined by a rampaging case of mono going through the cast?
– I’m not sure how Carly turned that rose chat into a positive for herself, buuuuut she came out of watching Britt meltdown and Kaitlyn getting a rose feeling pretty good about herself. Because she hates Britt and that’s more important than anything now. I guess.
I’ve had exactly two interactions with Iowa in my life. The first was me playing Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl” over the public address system at a professional baseball game prior to Jesse Hoorelbeke’s at bats – he later signed with the Chicago Cubs and was assigned to their AAA farm team in Iowa. He played 14 games for the Iowa Cubs, hitting five homeruns, and never again got to that level in professional baseball. For the record, he got a raw deal in Des Moines because that guy could hit the baseball and not just because there was a chance my story could have been described as me playing a musical prank of a future major league. Hoorelbeke, my second favorite non-Edmonton Cracker-Cat from my time as an employee of a Northern League baseball club (behind Winnipeg’s Matt Mann).
My other Iowa story is a meth addict with a kid problem, coincidentally sharing the name of a bachelorette on tonight’s episode. Facebook says she is still alive, so that’s a positive. Good luck, wherever you are!
There’s no real point to telling those stories other than I think the first one is really amusing, but let’s be honest here. There is no reason anyone not from Arlington, IA would want to live in or around Arlington, IA. No reason. Look at Arlington on the map, would you want THAT to be where your postal box resides? Maybe if you owned a farm out there, but lived in a Chicago suburb it could happen, but Arlington is the death of the rural American dream. Are you really going to ask some girl who experienced the 10 week high of reality TV to settle down there? Come on, Chris. Step your life game up.
Hope this helps!