Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
Well that was awkward…
Seriously, how awkward was last night’s episode of The Bachelor? From start to finish, they packed in as many cringe-worthy moments as possible. It was hard enough to watch (I was pulling at my hair & peeking through my fingers), I can’t imagine living it. But before we discuss how I’d handle a week like that, were I a Bachelor contestant or the Bachelorette in-charge, let’s look at the most note-worthy happenings of the episode. Remember to take note if I think they are positives (+) or negatives (–)… because sometimes it’s not what you’d think…
– Does Megan seriously not know New Mexico is an American state??? I have fun challenging boys in bars to competitions of who can name to most state capitals when on vacation in the US (I am Canadian). It wins me free drinks because apparently Americans don’t know all of the capital cities within their own country (And yet I do… for both Canada & the US – I don’t challenge them to Canadian knowledge because it’s usually pathetic) but I at least thought they knew the names of the states!
+ Britt doesn’t shower. You know what, power to you girl. Showering is the worst.
+ Samantha was worried because without a cocktail party she couldn’t follow through with her plan to “definitely get some alone time with Chris.” Maybe you should have talked to him at any point in the previous 5 weeks Samantha. Seriously though, is there any footage of them together past the initial limo introduction?
But don’t worry about Samantha if she gets eliminated, she’ll just go back into the computer that originally programmed her.
– At the cocktails part of the group date there were 3 plates with approximately 6 appetizers on them. Is that all of the food they get? I’d be tracking down hotel staff looking for more to eat… or I’d always carry around a giant purse with snacks!
+ Random Musing: Whitney is a “grown woman.” The only “grown woman” there. Sure some of the girls are mature, but Whitney is the only one who feels like a real emotionally-developed woman.
– On the opposite end of the spectrum, are Ashley & Mackenzie 16? Because they act like the just stepped out of Mean Girls.
– For me, the biggest negative was the lack of Rose Ceremony. (1) I missed the dramatic anticipation of seeing who Chris will eliminate, breaking their fragile, needy, little hearts. (2) There are a few ladies that just need to be gone. Badly. (3) The lack of closure makes it hard for me to move on with my evening. The episode ends and I’m left feeling lost & led on. So much suspense!
Do you think the Producers made a conscious decision to make this the most awkward week of The Bachelor ever (if not the most awkward 2 hours of television ever period)? Or was that a happy coincidence? I can pick out 5 individual moments of this episode that made my skin crawl and confirmed that I am not the target participant of this show. Let’s discuss!
1. A Date with a Love Guru.
The premise is cringe-worthy enough… then you see what this date was like in practice and you wish it had simply been tarot cards & meditation (as I was expecting). The touching and the “when she breathes out you, Chris, will breathe her in” and the derobing. This was horrible. I have so much respect for Carly for saying she was uncomfortable… so were all of us watching at home. Can you imagine doing that at all on a first date? Let alone with the love guru, a camera crew and millions of people at home watching. Highlight: The Love Guru’s eye peeking out between them as Chris & Carly made out. Soooo awkward.
As for how I would have handled this as The Bachelorette or a contestant: I wouldn’t have. Nope. Nada. Which probably means the manipulative-bastards of Producers would definitely make it my date. But then again I wouldn’t really care so just walking out is always an option.
2. Jordan Came Back.
Oh Jordan, sweetheart, how did you think this was a good idea? I realize you would have always wondered what could have been, but getting rejected for a second time isn’t going to change that. You will still wonder if things could have worked if you hadn’t been so wasted the first 2 weeks. I realize Chris is a huge pushover, which made you think you could sway him to let you back. But your pressure was nothing compared to the pressure of the 9 other women on that date with him.(Plus you felt the need to introduce yourself when you saw him… like he might not remember who you are. How does that equate to “we could be meant to be”?).
If I was Bachelorette there would be no returning. Nothing about my actions would suggest that if you were eliminated you would be welcomed back… and I wouldn’t need the other contestants to make it clear to me that this is how things should be. Maybe I’d institute a “you get a restraining order against you if you try to return” rule… or just to be safe, a “restraining orders are automatically issued to all eliminated bachelors when they leave” clause.
3. Kelsey is obsessed with how good her tragic backstory is.
I’m not even going to get into the fact that she pulled the “here’s my tragic story so you can’t send me home” card, and just focus on how creepy she was talking about her husband’s death. “I love my story” in a sing-song voice. *Shudder* She also implied she loved him so much his heart stopped? “Maybe that’s how I know I’m so strong, because I love so overwhelmingly.”
4. Chris kisses Britt while she’s in her bed with multiple other contestants in the room.
Chris you are either a loser or an idiot. Or both. Both is good. Obviously everyone is awake and can hear your disgusting lip smacking. That is so disrespectful. I realize these women chose to be on a show that constantly exploits their tragedies and fears (twice in one episode!) but it doesn’t mean you should blatantly disregard their feelings… after/before claiming they mean a lot to you.
I don’t think I even need to explain that this wouldn’t be an issue with me, right? Not only would the “No Touching” rule eliminate any funny business, but my inability to express/feel feelings in the first place would keep me from sending mixed signals.
5. Any time Ashley opens her mouth.
She wished she had a more tragic story. Really? You really want to go through your husband dying? And you want to be outright mean to Jordan? And you think that will win you a man? I can’t even… She is the worst.
I always thought the most awkward part of ‘my season as The Bachelorette’ would be me… but if the Producers continue to plan episodes like this my social anxiety would pale in comparison! Although if we keep having “cliffhanger,” Rose-Ceremony-less endings like this my anxiety is going to start manifesting in different ways.
Love & Luck,
The Week 5 Definitive Ranking of Farmer Chris’ Bachelorettes:
Notes: Not a lot of movement because think we have a pretty good feel for the girls now. Carly was bumped up because she seems normal & like she could be Chris’ farm wife. Despite everything from this episode & that I found on the internet about Jade I’d still keep her, Kaitlyn & Britt exactly where they were before. Kelsey fell one because she might be insane… but she’s still better than Ashley I.