Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
Let’s kick things off with the highs and lows of the week… which I always just list together but starting now I’m going to signify whether it was a positive (+) or a negative (–).
– I missed Jimmy Kimmel tonight… he was such a welcomed addition last week, in my books.
– Ashley I takes off her top (compensating much?) and Kaitlyn takes off her bottoms (why? just why? Top I almost understand… not really but almost… but bottoms?) to jump into the lake. Ick.
– Chris gets mad at Britt for wasting her limited time with him talking about other girls… legit… but does he think any of us take him seriously when he goes on about “being 33 and taking this very seriously”? You want to be serious? How about you start by getting rid of the 21 year old? Or maybe the Kardashian Princess?
+ Kaitlyn asking Chris ‘how he likes to be loved.’ Being as I am obsessed with personality types & tests I applaud her for trying to understand his Love Language. They now know that he is a Physical Touch person while she is into Words of Affirmation. They can now show each other affection in a way that will be noticed and appreciated.
+ Becca’s calm, level-headed “I’m a virgin too. It’s a choice I made. It hasn’t even come up yet.” bomb in the midst of Ashley I’s self-absorbed, cryptic “I am frickin’ innocent” drama.
– Did it drive anyone else crazy that there are 11 women left in the house… or am I the only person obsessive-compulsive enough to be bothered by that random number? My season of the Bachelorette would see eliminations that ended with an even or divisible-by-5 number of contestants, until the final 3; Top 3 is such an iconic thing (3 medals, etc) that I could deal with its oddness.
+ Have you ever thought about what it would be like to be on the Bachelor but not a contestant? Take a member of the orchestra that played while Chris & Jade danced alone… how awkward would it be to be one of them? And how hilarious would it be to tell your friends about after? Or what about being one of the contestants house staff!?!? So many stories…. wait…
Random Musing: Does the contestant’s house have a maid staff to make sure they always have towels? And a bartender making them drinks? There’s at least a well-stocked bar… My Bachelor viewing group has decided this is almost an ideal vacation opportunity.
The main thing that really struck me about last night’s episode is how much everyone gets caught up in the fantasy & the competition of this show and forgets the main founding principle: Chris is looking for a wife! The juxtaposition of wedding dresses and muck, camping & “royal” balls makes it very clear that even Chris is sometimes forgetting that he wants to make a life (a normal life) work with one of these women. Ashley I is my shining example…
Ashley I is a lot of things I am opposed to, both in the case of this show and in real life. She is overly made-up. She is snotty & self-centered. She is unnaturally needy and dramatic to the point of farce. She wants to be a Kardashian and showed up for her date in shorts that were undone. So many things that I dislike so much. What I’m saying is that, were I to meet her in real life, we would not be friends. But us being friends is not my be-all-end-all when it comes to judging Bachelor contestants. Sure people I wouldn’t personally get along with will get mocked more and will probably sink lower on my Power Ranking, but there are other factors… such as chemistry with the Bachelor and the realistic nature of their relationship. Ashley I and Chris have absolutely no future together. For all of the remaining ladies I can see at least a vague hope of things working out. Ashley has no (I mean NO) chance of surviving with Chris on his farm… especially the way they depict Iowa on this show! You’d think it was a post-apocalyptic wasteland, barren of all forms of entertainment and potential mates. Her fit about not getting the “Princess Date” because “no one would appreciate this particular date as much as me” was ridiculous, and only made more so by her complaints about camping. Ashley, you do realize that life on a farm is much closer to camping than it is to royal balls, right?
I feel like the divide in dates this week said a lot. The ridiculous women were sent camping. The Producers purposefully sent away the stupid and embarrassing, along with the ones who would far from excel in the great outdoors (minus Kaitlyn, who might be a bit embarrassing but was an awesome camper & Chris is very serious about). And to top it all off they pulled another “you must complete these tasks in a bikini because no one wants to watch a women set up a tent fully clothed” stunt. Kelsey nailed it when she said, “This date is for bimbos.” Then they brought in Chris’ sisters to meet the rational, mature group of women, whom Chris could potentially have a future with (minus Jillian who just needed to be sent home from Day 1). We now know who the Producers think would best get along with his family, and they were right. Remember when Ashley I seriously thought the sisters would have picked her? They would have laughed her right out of the room.
Even the wedding dress mud obstacle course date (a description I thought I’d never write) went way better than the camping one, though it was equally as dirty & rough & “unromantic”. This was because those women were way better suited for a life with our “Prince Farming.” Basically, everyone needs to remember what they are fighting for: not just for Chris (or even to win) but for the chance to move to his farm and be a housewife. Ladies, you better make sure you’re good with that.
Love & Luck,
The Week 4 Definitive Ranking of Farmer Chris’ Bachelorettes:
Notes: – Carly was 100% less annoying and 5 times more likable this episode. Her commentary on the other girls was right up there with Kaitlyn, which means (in my mind) she is indispensable and cannot be eliminated. – Kelsey became a bitch… and don’t get me wrong, I like that for myself, but it made her un-fun to watch. – Seriously, Becca FTW with her levelheaded existence. – I love how the order of roses can be used as a punishment (*cough* Britt *cough*). – Ashley S: “I feel nothing. I’m not upset at all.”…that’s because you’re on so many uppers you can’t see straight.