Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette… because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
What an entertaining treat we got in last night’s episode of The Bachelor! I have often stated that I hate myself the entire time the show is on, but last night was an entirely different story. Jimmy Kimmel killed it on The Bachelor… no I don’t mean any of the contestants (although would anyone be surprised if I started referring to some of those women as “it”?). But other than failing to do what natural selection has so far failed to, Jimmy Kimmel did everything right! He was funny, he pushed the show to new places, he called everyone out on how much they use the word ‘amazing’ (there was a lot of money in that ‘Amazing Jar’… “At the end of the show maybe we can buy this house and all live here together” – Jimmy) and, best of all, he added a note of reality to an otherwise manufactured situation. I’ll get to why Jimmy Kimmel (or Whitney) could plan all of my dates if I was Bachelorette after; first let’s discuss some episode highs & lows:
– I’ve read online that Jimmy waking Chris up was legit, not staged… unlike most everything else on this show. I know someone who kind of knows Kaitlyn and they’ve assured me that most of her bio details are, at best, half-truths. She hasn’t danced, let alone taught dance, in years… but that’s just what I’ve heard. I don’t know for certain.
– I loved when Mackenzie, Megan & Ashley I became the worlds most passive aggressive, pushover-y group ever. Team Crazies Unite!
– Ashley I makes me so uncomfortable when she’s making out with Chris. She moves her body too much. It’s like she’s a snake… a desperate snake. Love me! Think I’m pretty! Tell me I’m worth having around! So needy.
– Speaking of Ashley I: “I was so excited to do my Kardashian look tonight” Ugh. And Megan pre-one-on-one time: “If I look ok, I’ll be ok.” Double Ugh. If I was one of the girls who already had a rose I would just walk around pushing girls in the pool. So much running mascara! And was that a fake eyelash that just floated by?
– Constantly changing outfits & making yourself look good for this date or that cocktail party, this pool party or that rose ceremony would be exhausting.
– Why was Chris wearing a necklace at the pool party? Is this 2003? Am I watching the OC?
– “God made him the Bachelor and his divine mission is to have a lot of sex” – Jimmy Kimmel
– Wedding Crashers. I would be so good at this. I am such a good liar. And my social anxiety is much lower when I’m around people I’ll never see again, especially if they don’t know who I really am.
Here’s where we’re at after this episode… and check out my definitive ranking at the end.
The biggest high of this week’s episode has to be the dates… and not necessarily what happened on them girl-drama-wise but the basic ideas of the dates themselves. They were basic. And that was wonderful. Time and time again I complain about the unrealistic situations this show puts the potential couples in. I point out that they are far from living the normal lives they will one day have to become accustomed to together. I swear that contestants are put through experiences meant to manufacture superficial emotions. And I hate that helicopter rides and private concerts (by someone we’ve never heard of) never foster the conversations needed to ensure two people actually have a future together.
Enter Jimmy Kimmel.
I know The Bachelor brought in Jimmy as a publicity stunt, each wanting to increase their respective viewership. I know he was meant to be light comic relief while doing the opposite of what this show normally does… he was meant to “ruin” everything. But, in my opinion, he put Chris & the ladies in exactly the positions they needed. He made everything better. He made everything exactly what I always dreamed it would be. Between him and Whitney this week featured three of my favorite dates ever.
Let’s start with Kaitlyn’s one-on-one at Costco. Is there anything more realistic, fun and trying than a couple shopping at Costco? It’s the type of date (or day) that could go either way in terms of your relationship. You could have a great time eating samples and trying out toys (although I’m pretty sure rolling down the aisle in a blow-up ball, then stopping to make out normally gets you thrown out of the store). Or you could get so overwhelmed by the crowds and monotony (and unfairness of the lack of glamour) that you sabotage your connection. This date was perfect for Kaitlyn because she was able to show how cool & down-to-earth she is, while proving they have real -life potential. All while wearing the best outfit this show has ever seen… I love flannel.
The dinner with Jimmy continued to be so ‘real world’ that I started to root for love… and my blackened soul normally just roots for drama & angst in this show. An ‘at home’ dinner fostered real conversation (started by Jimmy) about how Kaitlyn feels in terms of this show & after. They touched on her understanding of not being mad at Chris for doing Bachelor things (like going into the Fantasy Suite) while he’s the Bachelor. The only thing missing was conversations about whether she’s ready to move to the farm. (How has he not asked the girls this yet?)
While the Group Date was silly, it also separated the girls who had real life potential from the ones who are in this to be D-List famous. I’m not talking about who won or who tried hardest; I’m talking attitude. The ladies who roll their eyes are shoveling manure are not serious about being a farm wife. And Chris’s future mate will be a farm wife.
And finally Whitney’s wedding crashers date was a hoot! I realize Jimmy didn’t plan this one; I will give Whitney the credit she deserves… although it was also a bit desperate to be like “Let’s crash a wedding” right after Chris said he likes women who are spontaneous & can easily converse with strangers. It’s funny that he feels that way because he was rather awkward when Jimmy came to dinner and not very good at tricking the wedding guests. But back on topic, going to a wedding isn’t an everyday thing but it is an activity real couples do. Chris & Whitney were able to form their own thoughts, ideas and feelings away from the camera – Producers and psychologists waiting in the wings.
Moral of the Story: When I am the Bachelorette Jimmy Kimmel can plan all of my dates… or maybe just half. Most of the reason I’d go on the show would be to travel to the cool places & the once-in-a-lifetime experiences… screw finding “the love of my life.”
Love & Luck,
The Week 3 Definitive Ranking of Farmer Chris’ Bachelorettes:
Notes: – I can’t stand Jillian. I realize Ashley S has a drug problem or something but at least she’s not awful. – I hope we get more Samantha next week; so far she’s maintaining position by getting little-to-no screen time. – It’s becoming pretty clear who my top half is and who can just buzz off. – I miss Tracy already, despite the fact that we basically never got to see her.