Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for The Bachelorette…because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly unromantic nerds deserve love too.
Last week I gave my thoughts on the first night limo entries, and how impossibly long and tedious they would be (see TWoS: Farmer Chris Meets Crazy Eyes), and this week just hammered that fact home.The fact that it was light out by the end of the Rose Ceremony kicks off my highs & lows of this episode:
– I applaud anyone who was still standing by the end of the first night. Had I been the Bachelor(ette) I would have taken a mid-cocktail party nap. I guess the struggle was worth it for Kimberly when Chris gave her a second chance… even if it was a short lived second chance. Now that I think about it maybe this was crueler…?
– Remember when CH quoted Chris as saying “this is the most important thing he will ever do in his life.” I actually choked on my tea. UUUUUGGGGHHHHHH
– I can’t be the only one vaguely disgusted and insulted by the tractor race date, right? I mean can you imagine being told you were not allowed to put your clothes back on and had to walk through a major metropolitan area in your bikini? Again…Ugh…
– But the show’s redemption came with their best date ever: Zombie Paint Ball. This is brilliant. Bloody Brilliant.
– The Producers are getting a bit (and by a bit I mean a lot) obvious these days. Not even getting into the fact that whacked out Ashley S got a rose (can you say “Producer’s Pick”?), they have placed Chris right next door to the women. In a house with an outdoor shower. And told the ladies so. Repeatedly. CH practically made them a treasure map. Actually that’s a fun idea! If I were the Bachelorette I’d create an elaborate set of clues that someone very clever could use to find my house (which would be down the block, for the sake of the scavenger hunt… otherwise I’d be in a different time zone if possible).
– And our first ladies took the “sneaking over bait.” Megan & Jillian explored Chris’ Bachelor pad, giving us such gems as Jillian’s blacked out nether regions (Why was it blacked out from all angles??? What is going on down there???) and Megan’s first experience with a helmet (Wood! *whack* Stone! *whack* Brick! *whack*). However, even combined these ladies lacked the brain cells to realize that sneaking over while Chris is out defeats the point.
Now that we’ve taken care of that I want to get to the nitty-gritty of today’s post: Dealing with Too-Early Confessions. Tonight it became obvious that Chris is a softie. (And a manwhore… but that’s unrelated). I understand why he acts the way he does, he doesn’t want America to hate him, but I’m starting to feel like that is unfair. Unfair to him. Unfair to us. And unfair to the women.
First let me explain what I mean by Too-Early Confessions. To me these are not subject you broach on a first date. They are heavy and sometimes uncomfortable. They create a weird vibe when you just want to find out if you click with your date on a basic level. So why do the ladies bring them up? In their defense they don’t have another opportunity. So much significance must be placed on every meeting because they can be so few and far between. You have to condense and accelerate the process. This week’s examples would be:
1. Mackenzie has a child.
This is something you could bring up on a first date, but not in the way Mackenzie did. She is too immature and looked at her ‘confession’ as something to be embarrassed about. Shouldn’t you be proud of your child? Bring it up confidently & comfortably and it’s endearing. Plus why are you so nervous? If he really had an issue with dating a woman with a child he would have had all of the moms pulled during casting.
2. Juelia’s baby daddy killed himself.
This is incredibly tragic and I really feel for her, but telling your date about it before he actually knows you is just going to make it one of your defining features.
3. Megan’s father died right before filming started.
I can see why you’d want to tell this one early, as the situation is probably severely affecting her current state of mind…at least it should be. However I’d be embarrassed to admit that I had picked being on this show over spending time with my grieving family (or raising my 1 year old son for that matter…I’m looking at you Mackenzie).
4. Ashley I is a virgin.
Is this pertinent information during your first real conversation? …and I’m going to leave it at that. To avoid getting into trouble I’m not touching anything else to do with this with a 10-ft pole. (a.k.a. Mackenzie’s obsession with Ashley’s virginity or Ashley’s later attempt to mount Chris & eat his face)
5. Ashley S. is mental unstable/on some sort of hallucinogens/etc.
Ok Ashley didn’t exactly confess this, but girls usually hide their crazy until at least halfway through the season.
“So these women fell victim to a pressure filled timeline and told their secrets too soon,” you say in defense of the ladies I am so hard on. “It may be unfortunate, but why is that so unfair?” Well reader, it creates a trap. Maybe it’s not intentional but as soon as a contestant makes a confession the Bachelor(ette) is obligated to give them a rose. It’s like a ‘get out of jail free’ card. And as a thinker not a feeler (I’m obsessed with myers-briggs personality types right now) I find it incredibly unproductive to have to keep a confession-filled contestant around, even if there is not a connection. Chris & Mackenzie are all wrong. But he had to give her a rose because, after she told him about Kale (her son, not the vegetable), not doing so would have made him look like a douche. Lighten up America… stop giving these girls a pass. If it’s not right, it’s not right.
Although once he’d started making out with her there was no going back. You can’t send someone home after that… which made Chris’ options for eliminations pretty slim this week ?
Conclusion: I hereby give future Bachelor(ette)s a free pass to eliminate whoever needs to be eliminated… no matter what secrets they share that week… as long as it is a logical choice.
Basically let’s take the empathy out of love & turn it into a science. I’d be into that.
Love & Luck,
The Week 2 Definitive Ranking of Farmer Chris’ Bachelorettes:
Notes: – Barely being in this episode really helped a couple of girls out (Tracy, Samantha). If I never see you I can’t hate you. – I think Jade got stupider…? – Becca appeared very stable this week. – Britt was less stable & the first to fall victim to the “you’re all dating my boyfriend” dilemma. But for some reason I still like her… I also feel like this is her Bachelorette audition season. – Poor Tara is a wreck.