It’s back. The Bachelor is back. Not that I don’t love The Bachelorette (so many hunky men) and Bachelor In Paradise (soooo much drama), but this is the original and you can’t argue with a classic. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate myself for watching this show but the weekly viewing parties with my friends and the chance to rant about romance on this blog make the self-loathing worth it. For those of you that are new here I first came up with the idea of Tuesday Walk of Shame during Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor. I thought it would be fun to have a commentary of the show from someone who is so completely opposite of most everyone on it. Now I write each week, providing my honest reactions to events as they unfold… you’ll obviously find spoilers from the previous night’s episode here, but nothing else. I like to be unspoiled so you can see my outrage in real time.
Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
After a month of analyzing the Bachelorette bios we finally got to meet the ladies… and wasn’t it exciting?! Before I get into my thoughts on limo entrances & first impressions, let me give you my episode highs & lows:
– “Prince Farming” (Oh Chris Harrison you clever minx) is really an excellent way to describe Chris. It seems like they’re laying on the “he’s a wholesome farmer from Iowa” thing a bit thick… until you see Chris’ intro, the gist of which was “I’m a farmer and I will always be a farmer. She has to come live on my farm and farm with me. Farm.” I’m worried Chris is too good to be true. I mean, all he wants to do is “feed the world” (yes he literally said that) and he thinks The Bachelor is “the best way to find love” (said in the most sincere voice). Barf.
– Whose idea was it to get the first half of the ladies good and drunk before adding 15 more sober competitors? Because they deserve an award.
– Is this Red Carpet situation… this “Countdown to the 1st Limo” situation… for real? So many past contestants milling about trying to be caught on camera in the background; I guess this is when they can get recognition & fame. So desperate for approval & love. Crazy D-List Stars… E-List? F-List? G-List?
That being said… Sean & Catherine are pretty perfect together, just a pair of weirdos. I vote them Bachelor’s Most Likely to Succeed.
– Despite having “stood by her man” for far too long, Nikki is now “back in the Bachelor Family”… because being with Juan Pablo had her excommunicated by Patriarch Chris Harrison. He seemed pretty happy she’d finally finished with the deadbeat, even though they “real life tried, not just tv tried”. *Exaggerated Eye Roll*
– I wish Chris Harrison was my therapist. Or my Life Coach. He could give me pep talks all the time. Also can we agree to call Chris Harrison CH from now on? To avoid the Chris vs Chris confusion.
Now on to the First Impressions:
I understand why Chris already looked wide-eyed and overwhelmed by the halfway point of introductions. The first episode of the season is always a lot to take in. So many new people in your face. So many awkward encounters to enjoy. So much drunken drama. For me the most amazing part of the event is not the too-soon first kisses (too soon man…at this point I still wouldn’t be letting anyone touch me) or the over-the-top ploys for attention (do you think she had to check that karaoke machine? Or is it safe to carry on?). For me the most amazing part is that when the Rose Ceremony comes around Chris could remember who more than half of those women were, plus their names and if they were worth keeping. Sure the Producers are probably helping him out, but still there has to be a better way…
Enter Kris’ Rate-A-Date First Impressions Grading System (Patent Pending).
This sticker based system allows a new Bachelor (or in my case Bachelorette) to not only learn names but also pick who goes home on Night #1.
Step 1 is to slap a name tag on each contestant as they enter. Writing the name out forces the Bachelor(ette) to really think about it and associate it with the face of their potential lover. I have a tendency to be too concerned with what I’m going to say next to actually listen to people’s names… it’s the curse of the socially awkward. And Chris comes from a place with a population in “the low 400’s” so 30 women is more than he’d meet in a decade. But with the Name Tag Approach our problems are solved. In my case it would be easy to place name tag stickers on suit jackets & lapels; in Chris’ it might have been a tad difficult… although unintentionally useful. Brittany could have used 5 or 6 stickers; it would’ve given equivalent coverage to the scrap of fabric she chose to wear. And Tara could have transferred hers over to make sure Chris recognized her on her second (slightly classier) entrance… because I know I would have thought it was a whole new, slightly familiar-looking contestant.
Now that the names situation is taken care of, it’s time to get rating. The Bachelor(ette) continues their evening the same as always. They greet their potential mates as they exit the limos. They socialize during the cocktail party. They feel like a piece of meat as everyone vies for one-on-one time. All the while they are handing out color-coded stickers. These can just be simple dots (or stars or hearts…maybe rose-shaped?) that will be lined up along the bottom of the name tag.
There will always be truly memorable moments, which were either so good or so bad that the Bachelor(ette) can’t forget them. Tracy’s note from her student = good memorable. Nicole’s pig nose = bad memorable. But for everyone else, the people who haven’t shot to the top or settled at the bottom of the ranking list, the dots will be a great guide to who is worth keeping around. Do you remember Nikki’s entrance? Or Samantha at all? They need dots! Then CH can simply collect all of the name tags before the Rose Ceremony, mount them on poster board next to the contestant’s photo and set them up for post-Cocktail Party viewing!
“But won’t it be obvious who you like?” you ask. “The guys with the most dots will know they are safe.” Silly Reader, do you honestly think I would pass up this prime of an opportunity to mess-with & confuse these desperate love seekers? Obviously for every good dot there would also be a bad. Let’s talk through some possibilities:
Red – Physical Attraction
While connecting on emotional, intellectual and spiritual levels are important, you can’t overlook raw physical attraction. Chris didn’t with the sexy Miss-Kaitlyn. And how else do you explain him liking the awkwardly long and overly intense hug he received from Britt?
Orange – Awkward
Orange is a negative… I guess. I like awkward though. This season’s Orange Top 3: Trina (could they giggle over top of each other anymore?), Kaitlyn (“You can plow me any time”) and Mackenzie (“Is it organic?”…long pause).
Yellow – Meaningful Moment
Here’s where those other levels of connection come in to play. It could be centered around a quality conversation, or maybe just a look that you really felt. This is probably what Britt was going for when she told Chris she wanted to be his “safe haven”… I think he dug it but I’d have rounded it into…
Green – Too Romantic
Most people would probably consider a romantic entrance a plus, but for me Green is a negative dot. This area is reserved for anyone who writes me poetry or wants to be my “secret admirer.” (I’ll credit Amanda that the ploy gave her a sense of mystery and made him seek her out… but I think I’d just be super creeped out if someone I’d never met told me to turn around and close my eyes.)
Blue – Clever
Cleverness can manifest itself in multiple ways. Maybe the conversation is stimulating. Maybe they seem incredibly smart. Or maybe they thought of a really original gimmick. Jordan’s Whiskey Shot was clever. Tandra’s scooter entrance was clever. Jillian flexing was not.
Pink – Inexplicable Hatred or Overwhelming Crazy
Pink is for the men who you just know are douches and girls whose crazy eyes hold you like tractor beams. Ashley S, welcome to the Pink Zone. (“Take a look at this onion. This Onion. Seriously!”)
Here’s where we’re at after this episode…and check out my definitive ranking at the end.
Based on the “This Season on The Bachelor” montage I think we really are in for a dramatic one (maybe not the “most dramatic yet” but CH has to say that). The crying section was too good. So many crazies…except there are some girls I actually like this season. Perhaps the Producers actually picked down-to-earth women for our Prince Farming. But then again, even ignoring all of the Crazy Eyes, I don’t feel like any of the ladies we’ve met so far would fit in with the 6 ladies from his hometown…
Love & Luck,