Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for a decidedly different Bachelorette.
Because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly un-romantic nerds deserve love too.
Tonight’s episode picked up right were last night’s left off (read about that here) with Graham dramatically leaving the Rose Ceremony. This makes up both my first highlight & low point. But for something different let’s look at the episode by couple:
GRAHAM & ASHLEE
– Graham ‘storms off’ as AshLee is about to present him with a rose…but his apparent refusal may actually just be food poisoning. I thought it was hilarious how the show edited this footage interspersed with contestants’ confessional moments to make it seem like Graham was having an AshLee-related panic attack. Maybe his second-thoughts on her factored in a bit, but based on their continued relationship through the rest of the episode (that racecar date that made him look fun and her look like the lamest person ever) I think his intense sweats were more likely caused by bad shrimp.
– AshLee continued to make herself look incredibly fake by showing absolutely no emotion. She didn’t seem the least bit concerned that the ‘love of her life’ had run out on her or that he could be sick. She just stood there like a robot…wait…is AshLee a malfunctioning robot?
MARCUS & LACY
– On the other hand, Marcus showed a little too much concern. Lacy soon succumbs to a similar illness and had to be rushed off in an ambulance. This was all a bit over dramatic, I’m thinking. But I guess the Producers don’t want to be sued in Lacy dies from dehydration.
– “Everyone loves a good train wreck.” Did anyone else suspect Kalon of tainting the food?
– Marcus tells Lacy he loves her. Too soon. But she seems into it.
MARQUEL / JACKIE / JESSE
– Marquel went home. *Tear* At this point I said to myself “Jackie is going to regret that later.” And then, Spoiler Alert (for later in this post), she did. I won’t even include her in Jesse’s match-ups from this episode because she was barely a factor.
ZACK & CLARE
– Jackie ends up lucking out that Zack can save her because Clare goes home mid-episode.
– No! Clare don’t leave. Why wasn’t her raccoon councilor doing a better job of talking her off the ledge? It’s sad to see everyone I actually like leaving in one episode. It’s probably for the best though because Clare was degrading back into her old self tonight. This exit was too theatrical. Needing someone on a dating show to settle down into a serious relationship after 2 weeks? That’s obviously asking too much. Running off into the woods? That’s obviously a stunt to get attention. Saying “This is why I just wanted to do Dancing with the Stars”? That’s obviously unforgivable. That show is the worst…and that’s coming from someone who watches this show religiously enough to blog about it.
SARAH & ROBERT
– Sarah & Robert went on another date. They are so sweet and simple. And I don’t’ mean that in a good way. Sarah doesn’t come across as overly intelligent. And only she would be worried about a guy finally kissing her in paradise…this is backed up by the hanky-panky later on.
MICHELLE & CODY
– Michelle is creeping towards being the best. I have been slowly warming to her during her stay in Paradise. She does incredibly thoughtful things like a run Michelle’s Gossip & Hair Salon. She did Sarah’s hair for her date with the guy Michelle was in to. That’s very self-less. She also ran after Graham and coached him through his AshLee induced sickness. What a good friend. However her progress is hampered by her extreme need to be loved and comments like this: “Lacy really doesn’t like AshLee. She’s physically reacting to it.”
– Michelle wears overwhelming fringe boots on a date with Cody. That’s seriously all I can pay attention to. They almost overshadow Cody’s insane babbling about love. We have a stage 5 clinger here people. Michelle is not into it, but still puts on a wedding dress on their date. If I was her it would just be like, “Nope. No. No. No. Nope.” And I’m out.
CHRISTY / JESSE / LUCY
– Christy showed up. Who is Christy you ask? No idea. Some dumb blonde I’m thinking….?
– Christy and Jesse go on a date and are awful. They are perfect for each other in their awfulness, but all together they are awful.
Also it was lucky that dog was there to break up that super awkward moment when Jesse had to backtrack and pretend he was thinking like a douchebag would think rather than just thinking like he would think because he is a douchebag. …Did that make sense?
– Hello Lucy and hello more of Lucy. Hello all of Lucy. Eek.
– I don’t even know what to say about Lucy asking Jesse on a date while naked. But the date means more screen time for Jesse. Yay…I say with no enthusiasm.
– But later that night Jesse has already forgotten Lucy’s name…asshole.
– Despite the fact that he can’t remember all of their names all of the unattached women think that Jesse is such a catch. Just a hint girls, but any guy who makes out with multiple women in 24 hours is a slimball…unless he’s The Bachelor, then for some reason it’s not only ok but romantic. Well have to see if the newly announced next Bachelor Farmer Chris lives up to this reputation.
– In the end Jesse picks Christy, although I don’t’ really care because I have zero investment in any of these new people.
Hope you liked my opinion filled recap. See you next time when we are back to just a single weekly dose of Bachelor-ness…I think that’s all I can handle.
Love & Luck,