Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for a decidedly different Bachelorette.
Because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly un-romantic nerds deserve love too.
Welcome to paradise…or more accurately: Welcome to Bachelor in Paradise. You might have been worried that the Tuesday Walk of Shame would end when Andi found her happy ending (or at least happy for-right-now) but my sass has no end & I am prepared to give my commentary on this ‘fun’ new spin-off. It’s summer…I know this because Chris Harrison is in a light colored suit…and we are lightening things up by being ultra dramatic. If you don’t know the premise of the show here’s the low-down: past-Bachelor(ette) losers live together, go on dates, and hook-up in the ocean. People come & go based on who would rock the boat most drastically and who isn’t
slutty sexy genuine enough to have a connection with another loser.
Let’s take a look at this season’s initial participants, in order of appearance:
Frankly I’m excited she’s participating in this show because Clare is a crazy person. I think she’s awful, but I also think this show is awful. To her credit she came off much less psychotic in the opening episode. She wasn’t pouncing on men like she owned them and she even did something nice for someone else (who had adopted Clare’s old irrational behavior). That being said, the “I don’t want drama” cry was a bit over-dramatic, especially when the jump-cuts made it look like she was talking to the raccoon. Verdict: Where is Clare and who is this alien in her body?
There’s no better way to get over someone you had a ‘real’ connection with than to sleep with a bunch of crazy women, right? This is likely a horrible idea, but I’ll give Marcus a bit of leeway since he is “absolutely stunning” (to quote Lacy). I’m glad he improved from being soooo sad (and pathetic), solo skinny-dipping & talking about his “open heart,” to trying to enjoy himself & the company as the episode progressed. Oh god…did I just say I was happy about these people getting together? I should not be encouraging this…
I always felt super guilty saying this, what with the one-armed thing, but I don’t like Sarah. She annoys the hell out of me. Her voice is so airy and her attitude is so “I’m one-armed”-centric. If you don’t want everything to be about your one arm then don’t make it about your one arm. I will give her another chance on this show (like I’m trying to do with everyone) but my opinion changing hinges on her being less whiney and having a new voice. Also, if you were “brought up better” why are you on this show?????
I love Marquel. The fact that he is on this show will not change that (I hope!). If you read my Tuesday Walk of Shame: Bachelorette Edition you will know that I think he’s spectacular. Period.
Please don’t talk. There is nothing wrong with Daniella except that she sounds incredibly stupid every time she opens her mouth. Coupled with her compulsive need to be loved (which has been fueled by past public rejection) this makes her the perfect candidate for this show. Also her boobs looked really weird throughout the whole episode…just a side comment…
Graham is apparently a big deal…at least that is what the drama is leading me to believe. I don’t see it yet. The Bachelorette Season 4 was during my Bachelor Stand-Off time period, after the show’s manipulation started disgusting me and before I got involved in a
mocking viewing group, so I don’t know him from anyone else yet.
I don’t remember her at all…? Neither did Clare, which is hilarious because they were on the same season. This show will obviously not end the same way. According to Graham, Lacy is “the triple threat” being that she’s beautiful, smart & independent…which is I-don’t-want-to-be-a-douche for hot, slutty, & spirited…which is my nice way of avoiding saying she’s not very bright. If you need proof remember this quote: “I’m 80/40.” Excuse me, what?
Ben is best known for being an asshole. I love how everyone treated him like he was poison when he entered ‘paradise’ and continued to do so for the entire episode. Between intros & the cocktail party I actually forgot he existed.
You are a weirdo. That is all.
Hello Dylan. I was neutral on you with Andi so I will hold to being neutral about you being on this show. Or perhaps I should be happy because: “He must be a good guy if Marquel likes him.” That’s how awesome Marquel is. These people just met him and are already taking his opinion as fact.
Elise is my favorite. Among all of these crazies she seems maybe not sane but at least kind of awesome. The fact that she’s already ‘in love’ with Dylan is disgusting but I think I could actually stand spending time with her.
Did they show him arrive? I missed it if they did. Perhaps he was just so boringly plain that I didn’t notice…just like he was on his season. Lacy’s love triangle is almost making him interesting… but it’s just residual interest from Lacy’s gigantic personality.
Please No. No. You seemed like you weren’t awful while participating on the Bachelor. But now you are the queen of the crazies! All hail the queen. Who knew you could be a jealous girlfriend before you’d even been on a first date? I can’t believe Graham actually gave her a rose…or maybe I can; he didn’t want to risk being murdered by his obsessive stalker.
She came in too late for me to get a good read on her, but her attraction to Marquel makes me think she’s worth giving a chance.
I know you are all wondering how I would approach this show, being the love-hating, awkward nerd that I am. The simple answer is that I wouldn’t. There is no way I could convince myself to sink this low…but I will try to get myself in the mind set for future posts!
To make up for not having my approach, here is a fun fact… I noticed a lot of the contestants were from LA, more than could have originally come from that sprawling metropolis. Turns out 4 of the current residents of paradise have moved there to ride out there Bachelor contestant D-list fame:
Sarah Los Angeles, CA (previously Evergreen, CO)
Graham Los Angeles, CA (previously Raleigh, NC)
Elise Los Angeles, CA (previously Forty Fort, PA)
Robert Los Angeles, CA (previously Glendale, AZ)
Let’s end things off with a recap of who is on the show & who has already been shut down int heir quest for love and sent home:
Try not to let the real world get you down and I’ll see you next week back in paradise!
Love & Luck,