I’m starting a weekly blog series called the Tuesday Walk of Shame. In it I’m going to take a look at the newest episode of The Bachelorette (or the Bachelor when it is on again) and discuss. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for a decidedly different Bachelorette.
Because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly un-romantic nerds deserve love too.
I’m pretty sure my “Fantasy Suite” would look very different than the ones on this show. What is so ‘fantasy’ about them? There aren’t any wizards or elves or dragons. Not even a set of swords crossed on the wall over the fireplace. Or have I mistaken their definition of fantasy… Still, even if you are taking fantasy as an escape from reality I don’t think the suites themselves are anything I’d dream about at night. Sure it’s an island paradise but these rooms need something special to set them apart.
“Silly Kris, Fantasy is not referring to the suite itself,” you say. “It’s what’s happening in the suite that’s the fantasy.”
Oh…we’ll we all know I’ll have opinions on that. But first let’s discuss this episode’s highs & lows:
– The episode opened with Andi giving us a talk through recap of each of the guys. This was the epitome of ‘cheesy clip show.’ Something about it really annoyed to me; I mean we’ve watched the season, we don’t need the recap. “But Kris, what if you were just tuning in for the first time?” To that I say: “You’re awfully talkative today reader…and also: WHY??? What have you been doing with you’re life to not be watching all of this time?”
– Did we seriously make it to episode 10 before there were any of the usually customary bikini shots???
– Nick has a rather macho hunk body…I did not expect this. Not just because I find him awful (I know awful people can be hot too) but because it doesn’t seem to line up with how he looks in clothing. Does he wear padded clothes that make him appear pudgier most of the time?
– Nick’s book…I don’t want to praise him in two points in a row but it was illustrated & everything! Seriously. That was so excellent. This is exactly what I want a man to do for me (Not Nick though…ick). For the record, Comic Books are also acceptable ?
– Josh had way more personality today then ever before. This is the first time I felt as if I wanted to spend any time (romantic or otherwise) with him.
– Josh is an ex-athlete? He used to play baseball? Did you know that? How have they failed to mention that up to this point!? ***insert eye roll here***
– Chris is such a catch. He’s sweet. He’s kind. He has his shit together. But he’s too quiet and unassuming for this show. Chris, go back to Iowa and find a nice, normal girl who doesn’t need to be on television to find validation.
But enough of this fluff. You are waiting for my opinions on over-nights, aren’t you? Well here it is: I honestly think they are a good idea. Here is why…
1. I harp on how manufactured the love on this show is, so having quality time away from a camera is a huge step in any Bachelor(ette) relationship. It’s only one night, but it’s still a chance to see the other person when they aren’t putting on their best face for all of America. This show may be “reality tv” but you know everyone is acting at least a little bit when the lights come on & the mics come out.
2. It creates controversy & buzz. They say no publicity is bad publicity and having people discuss “did they or didn’t they” and “who do you think was better” does not hurt this show.
3. Sexy times. Yes I am condoning whatever happens behind the closed doors & drawn curtains for that dragon-less suite. The physical aspect of a relationship is an important piece of the puzzle and this is these couples’ first chance to truly explore it. Sure it’s weird that your Bachelor or Bachelorette is potentially sleeping with 3 people in 3 nights but remember we apply different standards to this situation than real life. We’ve suspended our judgement enough to allow Andi to makeout with a dozen guys in the same night (without stopping to rinse with mouthwash in between…and we know she’s not or else it would be on camera as an advertisement for Listerine…perhaps Des could come join in on that too). Why can’t we extend that to allowing Andi to get it on with two different guys? People do it in the real world, so it has to be acceptable in Fantasy land. Add to that the possibility one of these couples could be engaged in a weeks time & you can’t fault them for wanting to make sure the mechanics will operate properly.
I know what you are think, “Kris I can’t believe you are pro-physical-contact! That’s so unlike you.” Let me clear this up, these are my opinions on the Fantasy Suite for others. My over-night dates would go very differently. I don’t need to rush making sure we jive in the bedroom because I would not have a guy proposing to me after only 10 weeks of limited & staged meetings. My ‘winner’ and I would have plenty of time in the future to date & you know…the other stuff ? Instead the men & I would turn it into a proper Fantasy Suite by watching Lord of the Rings, re-enacting the sword fights whilst jumping on the bed, and then playing a rousing game of D&D (or perhaps Settlers of Catan) with the crew. That’s the kind of date I dream about.
Bye Chris…I will miss you but I believe this is for the best. I don’t think Chris & Andi were right for each other. I also don’t think their feelings were as deep as we are being lead to believe. But considering the premise of the show their feelings might not be as deep as they were being lead to believe.
As much as I’d love for Chris to be the next Bachelor as he is a genuine hunk, I think the experience might ruin him. We shall have to wait and see (hopefully only until next week!).
Which leaves this Final Two:
See below for my new Definitive Ranking.
Love & Luck,
Here is my Post-E09 Definitive Ranking:
1. Chris Harrison – Waiting for the announcement that he’s secretly the next Bachelor…
It’s not worth ranking after that because I don’t want either one of them.